


Different for girls

by devo79



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Gen, Genderswap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-14
Updated: 2012-04-14
Packaged: 2017-11-03 15:51:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 22
Words: 24,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/devo79/pseuds/devo79
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xander's life gets drastically changed</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Xander went on his trip and ended up in Oxnard, where he stayed. Spike is chipped.   
> Angel lives in LA but visits Sunnydale often and helps out the slayer.

Xander signed the last report and put it in the right folder. Being foreman and telling people what to do and how, apparently came with an amazing amount of paperwork. He looked out over the construction site and couldn’t help feeling proud.

He wasn’t stupid enough to think this was all his doing. He knew that the actual work was done by the men building the mall, but still…in some small way this was his mall.

“Hey, man.” Joshua called from his truck. Xander turned around and waved “You gonna go pick up Hannah?” the dark-haired man asked.

“Yeah. She’ll probably be done at the library by now.” Xander yelled back.

“Great…then I’ll get home and cook.” Joshua nodded.

“You go do that, Pookie.” Xander teased.

“Shut the fuck up, Harris.” Joshua laughed and drove away.

\-------------------------------------------

Xander waited for Hannah outside the library. He sat down on the steps leading up to the large building. He really liked Joshua and Hannah. The two siblings were great fun and they both treated Xander as part of their small family.

Hannah reminded Xander of Willow. Not the witchy Willow but the girl she had been, before magic and demons became everyday occurrences.

He heard footsteps behind him and he slowly got up and smiled at Hannah. She was wearing a dark blue dress that made her hazel eyes shine and her light brown hair was braided. She smiled back. Xander reached out and took her bag.

She tapped him on the shoulder and pulled her little notepad out of the pocket of her coat. She started scribbling. Xander waited patiently. Hannah held her notepad up.

“What’s for dinner?” Xander read out loud “Well…” Xander said “I begged him at lunch not to make anymore cabbage soup…” Hannah rolled her eyes and started scribbling again “Yeah…” Xander laughed “Yeah…I told him it made him fart.” Hannah scribbled some more and showed it to Xander “No sorry, Hannah Banana…I’m afraid it didn’t work.”

Hannah sighed and leafed through her notepad until she found what she was looking for. She held the notepad up. Take out! The note said.

“Yep!” Xander agreed “Sounds like a great plan.”

\-----------------------------------------

Xander remembered being uncertain on how to interact with Hannah, the first time he’d met her. The girl had finally written him a note, telling him he was being stupid and that she’d kick his ass if he didn’t stop treating her like she was made of glass. After that, they had become friends and they supported each other through Joshua’s horrible attempts at cooking.

Xander rented their spare bedroom. It wasn’t much, but he only slept in there so it didn’t really matter. It didn’t matter that the walls were a horrible puke green colour or that someone had attempted to make it seem nicer by painting all the panels orange.

Joshua had heard about Xander’s futile apartment hunt and had offered to let him rent the spare room. And sitting here at the dinner table, eating Chinese take out and listening to Joshua pout about the demise of the “wonderful and nutritious cabbage soup” he really felt at home.

“Be quiet, Pookie.” Xander said and Joshua scowled.

They were friends, and it was good to have someone who didn’t need him to play sidekick or belittled him. Xander felt better here, sitting at a table he himself had made, surrounded but his best friend and his adopted little sister, than he had ever felt surrounded by slayers, witches and demons.


	2. Chapter 2

Xander had promised to call Willow. It wasn’t like he didn’t want to call her…much. No, it was more the fact that he really didn’t have anything to talk to her about. Listening to her go on and on about Buffy and Angel and their tragic love story, got old after the first seven or eight times. Xander would tell her about his work. What mall or office building they were working on at the moment or how absolutely horrendous Joshua’s Chicken Enchilada Soup tasted.

The conversations always seemed strained, forced. The things they’d had in common back in Sunnydale just weren’t there anymore. He always felt strangely detached from the things she talked about. Patrolling. Demons. Apocalypses. Xander’s world was filled with construction, Joshua and Hannah, the occasional date. Not really world changing events.

\----------------------------------------

”Um…Xander?” They had been watching the news but Xander muted the TV and looked at his friend.

”Yeah, Pookie?” Xander smiled.

”You know, one day you’ll call me that one time too many and I’ll snap and kill you.” Joshua warned.

”Sorry.” Xander said and smirked.

”Yeah…” the other man sighed as if he carried the world on his shoulders. ”Hannah has a doctors appointment tomorrow and I’m still working on the problems with electricity in the mall…”

”You want me to take her?” Xander asked and looked at Hannah. She was sleeping on the couch, sitting between the two men.

”Yeah…If you could, it’d be really great.” Joshua nodded and tucked the blanket around his sleeping little sister.

”No problem…I’ll just take an hour or so off around lunchtime.” Xander said. They sat quietly for a few seconds. The TV was still muted and the only sound was Hannah snoring softly. ”Um…What kind of doctor?” Xander asked and looked at Joshua.

”Don’t worry, man.” he snorted ”Like I would let you take my sister to the gynaecologist.”

”What? You don’t trust me?” Xander gasped and dramatically put a hand over his heart.

”Jerk!” Joshua laughed softly ”If I had to send a guy off with her to the gynaecologist, I would send you…I mean, she’d be safe with you.”

”Thanks man.” Xander said honestly.

”Yep…” Joshua drawled ”Wouldn’t have a problem sending my sister off to the gynaecologist with a gay guy as her chaperone.”

Xander smiled affectionately at Joshua and said ”Thanks, Pookie.”

”Fuck you.” Joshua growled and grabbed the remote.

\--------------------------------------------------

“Well, Hannah.” doctor Marshall said and put his glasses on his desk “I’m afraid there’s been no change.”

Xander watched Hannah’s shoulders slump and she started writing on her notepad. She gave the notepad to the doctor. Her picked his glasses up and put them on. He nodded.

“Well…” he said, handed the notepad back and looked at her “No change isn’t just bad news, Hannah.” he explained “It doesn’t only mean that you haven’t gotten better, it also means that it isn’t worse.” Hannah sighed and looked defeated.

“So this last treatment had no effect what so ever?” Xander asked and took Hannah’s hand. He desperately wanted to comfort her.

“No.” Marshall sighed “And I’m afraid we’ve run out of options.” He looked at Hannah “The infection was very severe…as I told your parents…” the doctor looked sad “the infection almost completely destroyed your vocal cords…I’m really sorry, Honey.” Marshall said and looked down at his hands.

The doctor had been friends with Hannah and Joshua’s parents. He had done his very best to support the family emotionally, when the girl had lost her voice at the age of 14 and he had even stood by the two siblings, when they had lost their parents in a car accident.

Hannah reached out and patted the older man’s hand.

\------------------------------------------------

“I guess…” Joshua said sadly, when Hannah disappeared into her room “Marshall didn’t have anything good to tell you?”

“No change…” Xander said and started looking for the take out menus “He also said that in this case, no news were almost good news.” Joshua leant back against the kitchen table.

“Thanks for taking her.” he said and Xander turned to look at him.

“Hey?” Xander said and moved over to his friend “You okay?”

“Yeah…” the other man nodded “It’s just…this was her last chance.”

“She’ll bounce right back, Josh.” Xander said “She always does.”

“She shouldn’t have to.” Joshua shook his head.

“No.” Xander said and thought about a teenage boy, who had stood up to demons even though he didn’t need to “But she doesn’t have a choice…not really.”

\--------------------------------------------

Later that evening, Hannah emerged from her room and walked over to the stereo. She found her favourite radio station. The girl turned the volume up and started dragging Xander with her to the centre of the room.

“No Hannah.” Xander tried to escape “You really don’t wanna dance with me.”

“Why not?” Joshua asked from his position on the couch.

“Because I look like a spastic squid on speed when I dance, Pookie.” Xander wailed and tugged at his hand. Hannah just laughed silently.

\-----------------------------------------------

Xander was sitting in his car. He was just about to drive out from the parking lot by the construction site, when his cell phone beeped. He fished the small phone out of his jeans pocket and started fumbling with the tiny buttons. He finally managed to push the right combination and could read the text message from Hannah.

Hi Xan

Waiting 4U

Some guy keeps lukin @ me

Xander frowned. Hannah wasn’t the kind of girl that got easily scared. She usually stayed calm if she didn’t feel safe. And she was a good looking kid, so maybe the guy had just noticed her.

But Xander couldn’t shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.


	3. Chapter 3

Xander almost fell out of his truck. He slammed the car door and ran up the stairs to the library. Locked. Why the fuck were the doors locked? He tried to look through the dark glass doors. Nothing.

Maybe Hannah got a ride home with one of the women she worked with. But Xander knew, that if that had been the case she would have send him another text message.

He ran down the stairs and scanned the road. A few parked cars, an elderly woman walking her pug. Where the hell was the girl?

Xander started fishing the cell phone out of his back pocket. He stopped when he heard someone yell and then laugh loudly. Xander turned around and looked at the buildings flanking the library. The library itself was an old building and was surrounded by shops. Behind the library was one of Oxnard’s few parks.

“Feisty little bitch!” someone yelled and Xander froze. His heart was pounding in his chest and he could feel his body tense. He started running toward the park.

\-------------------------------------------

Xander slammed into the guy, who was pressing Hannah against a tree. The other three men were on him so fast, that all Xander could do was kick and punch blindly.

Xander found himself on the ground with a knee pressed between his shoulder blades. Another guy was pressing a knife to his throat.

“Come on man.” Xander could see the tallest of the four men holding Hannah. The girl was pinned between the tall guy and the shorter red-haired man. Her arms were held behind her back, and every time she tried to pull away she gasped in pain.

“Just fucking do her!” the one pressing a knee into Xander’s back snarled. The red-haired guy grinned and pulled a knife out of his back pocket and started cutting up the front of Hannah’s dress.

Xander tried to get up, but only succeeded in getting the knife pressed harder against his throat. Hannah was squirming to get away from the two other men. The red-head started kissing her, she tried to pull away but he wouldn’t stop. She bit down on his lower lip so hard, that blood started streaming down the guy’s chin.

“Fucking bitch!” he screamed and the next thing Xander saw was the knife, blinking in the dim glow coming from the street lights by the paths. Hannah made a startled throaty noise, her knees buckled and the tall guy stepped away.

“Fuck, Thomas…Fuck…” the tall guy said to the red-head.

“Shit!” the guy holding a knife to Xander’s throat mumbled quietly and started to back away.

“We can’t let him go.” Thomas said and pointed at Xander with the knife. A few drops of Hannah’s blood dripped down on the ground. Xander’s eyes were fixed on those drops colouring the dirt black.

“What?” the one still kneeling on Xander’s back asked.

“He’s seen us.” Thomas said “He’s gonna tell the cops what we looked like.”

“Fuck.” the tall guy repeated. Xander looked over at Hannah. He just needed the bastards to leave…if they would just leave then he could go to Hannah. He could call an ambulance, get help…if they would just leave.

“I-I won’t tell anyone anything.” Xander’s voice was thick with unshed tears, “Just let me get some help, please.” He looked at the tall guy, sensing that he was the one who might give in.

“Fuck.” was the only answer the tall guy offered.

“Cut his throat, Mike.” Thomas said to the one kneeling next to Xander.

“Hell no.” Mike said and moved away from Xander “No fucking way!” Before Xander could react Thomas was grabbing hold of his hair and pulled his head back.

Xander was surprised how little it hurt to have his throat cut.

\-----------------------------------------------------

“Oh God!” someone knelt next to him. A hand pressed down on his throat. He felt strangely numb. His fingers tingled and his arms and legs felt weird. Heavy. Like they were made of…

“Call 911.” a woman yelled. She sounded like a school teacher, telling kids to hold hands if they were going to cross the street.

“Someone…call…” Xander remembered reading somewhere, that your sense of hearing was the last to go when you were dying. He wasn’t really sure how anyone could know that…but hey…science was Willow’s thing, not…

“Move away, sir…” They wanted him to move? What the hell? Someone was cutting his t-shirt up. He really liked that one. Good dark-blue colour…Joshua said it really brought out his…

“Throat cut.” Yep, Xander could have told them that. “Not all the way through…must be why he’s still alive.” a deep voice announced. “Lost a lot of blood, though.”

Xander saw one of the…paramedics?…yeah they were paramedics…give Hannah an injection… Hannah really hated needles…Doctor Marshall always gave her some of that numbing cream first…

Why was everything so fuzzy?…Fuzzy Wuzzy…was a bear. He’d never understood that poem…Did Fuzzy Wuzzy have hair or didn’t he?

“What did he say?” someone asked.

“Don’t know.” deep voice answered. “Maybe…give…adrea..” Xander remembered reading, that your sense of hearing was the last to go when you were dying…Science was Willow’s thing, not really his but…

“Losing him…one more try…” Sometimes he liked the quiet.

“Girl’s gone…”

“He’s got no pulse…”

“Wait…........there’s a faint pulse…”


	4. Chapter 4

Beep

Beep

Beep

Xander wondered why his clock radio was beeping. Usually, he’d wake up to some perky DJ telling him how wonderful the weather was or how there was a car blocking the main street. Sure the beeping was an option, but Xander had only used it a few times. He really hated the beeping. It always felt like it went straight into his brain.

He reached out from under the covers…he… he couldn’t move his hand…He felt a tingle of panic creep up his spine, and settle in the part of his brain that still looked for vampires whenever he walked around outside at night.

Whoosh

Beep

Whoosh

Beep

Was it bad reception? Did he have his clock radio set wrong…maybe in-between stations…

Whoosh

His arms felt like they were filled with concrete and he couldn’t feel his legs. He needed to get out of bed and…he…Hannah…and a knife glinting in the glow from…he needed…

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

Beep

“You need to calm down, Honey.” someone was looking down at him. A woman in a white dress. The outline of her body was weirdly fuzzy and blurry, like a bad photocopy. She patted his shoulder. “Calm down.” Xander finally managed to lift his arm enough to touch his throat. His fingers wrapped around tubes.

“Look at me…Good.” the woman said, when Xander did as she had told him. “Your lung was punctured, Sweety.” the woman briefly looked to the left and nodded “We had to intubate you…your throat will feel sore, but it’ll pass.”

Xander watched as the woman did something to his hand…Xander remembered how much Hannah really hated needles…Joshua would tease her because Doctor Marshall always gave her some of that numbing cream before…

“You rest now.” the woman touched Xander’s forehead gently “Joshua is on his way.”

\-------------------------------------------

“Oh God…Oh God…I-I…” Joshua was crying. Tears running down his face.

“Sir.” the woman from earlier said “You need to calm down. I can’t have you upsetting the patient.”

“No…I-I’ll calm down…I…Sorry.” Joshua looked at Xander “I’ll just go get something to eat then I’ll…I’ll go and call…I’ll call Sunnydale…Um I think I have Willow’s phone number somewhere…” Joshua sighed and walked to the door. He turned and looked back at Xander “I just don’t…Don’t know what to tell them.”

Xander watched Joshua walk out the door. The woman adjusted the pillows under Xander’s head and smiled sadly. “You seem more focused today.” she did something to the machine standing next to the bed “Doctor Calley will be in to see you today.”

Xander wanted to ask about Hannah. Was she at the hospital too? Was she okay? Joshua looked so sad that maybe…no he wouldn’t think about that. He’d wait…wait and then ask…He couldn’t do anything anyway with that damn tube down his throat and high on pain meds.

\---------------------------------------------

“We need to remove the intubation tube today.” Doctor Calley said. The small man had been keeping track of Xander’s recovery for the last few…days?…weeks?

Xander wanted to nod but his body still felt strangely heavy and everything was still slightly blurry.

“We’ll start giving you less pain medication as well…Get you up and walking by the end of the week hopefully.” Calley started slowly peeling away the tape that had held the tubes in place. “When I tell you to, I want you to relax. I won’t lie to you.” the doctor pulled a little table on wheels closer “This might hurt…It will certainly feel uncomfortable and your throat will feel very sore.”

\----------------------------------------------

Xander woke up in the middle of the night. His head hurt but his body didn’t feel quite as heavy. He slowly swung his legs over the side of the bed. A sudden rush of dizziness made him grab hold of the bedside table. But the table had wheels, so it rolled a few inches away, forcing him to stand up. His legs felt wobbly and weak…too many days in bed and flying high on pain meds.

He slowly stumbled to the bathroom. The door opened when he gave it a small push, and he fumbled blindly for the light switch. Finally he found it and the light in the white room made his eyes water. He made sure to keep a hold on the doorframe as he slowly inched his way over to the sink. He grabbed hold of it and stood there, head bent, panting.

He took deep gulps of air, as if he’d just been saved from drowning. Cold sweat ran down his back and made him shiver. He squinted…his eyes still adjusting to the light and then he looked in the mirror.

Xander started hyperventilating. His knuckles were white. His hands grabbing the sink so hard his fingers hurt. He opened and closed his mouth. He wanted to scream. Wanted to call for help…but he couldn’t…he couldn’t cause Hannah had lost her voice at the age of 14.

And Hannah’s frightened face was staring back at him from the mirror.


	5. Chapter 5

He woke up in bed, a nurse fiddling with something on the small table. She looked up, her eyes worried as she started unpacking some sterile bandages. She put the bandages on the table and silently left the room. When she returned she was followed by Doctor Calley.

The doctor looked sternly at Xander and shook his head. “Really, young lady…” he said “Next time you feel like taking a stroll around the room you need to call the nurse.” He walked over to the call button hanging on a string next to the bed. “Just push the button and the attending nurse will come and help you.” Calley turned and spoke quietly with the nurse.

“You pulled a few stitches. Nothing serious but we wouldn’t want you to have unnecessary scars, now would we.” the doctor pulled the thick blanket away from Xander and started lifting Xander’s white shirt, revealing a bandage. Here and there blood had soaked through.

Xander opened his mouth and wanted to ask a question. The doctor looked at him and nodded “Nurse.” Calley said and started cutting the bandages away “Could you go fetch me some paper and a pen for Miss Weismann?”

“Of course, doctor.” she nodded and disappeared.

“You need to promise me that you won’t do something like this again.” Calley looked up from the bandages and smiled sadly “Your brother has been very worried…he slept in the waiting room for days after you were operated.” Xander just nodded. “This whole experience has been traumatic for the both of you and…” the nurse returned with a small notepad and a pen “Ahh, good.” Calley said “I’m almost done here, Hannah. Then you can ask me all the questions you want.”

He started taping the new bandage in place “We attempted this two days or so after you arrived here. But the pain medication made it almost impossible for us to decipher your writing.”

For some weird reason Xander suddenly thought about Miss Fallow, his second grade teacher. She had always said his writing looked like confused ants, crawling on the paper. His a’s would seem to tilt precariously, his d’s always faced the wrong way, making them look like b’s. He remembered writing pages and pages of a’s. All of them neat and of the not-tilting kind, but then he would be writing a word with an a in it, and the a got tired and leant on the next letter. In the end Miss Fallow had sighed deeply and patted his head. She had praised him for his effort, and then preceded to ignore the jittering letters for the rest of the year.

“Here you go.” the nurse gave Xander the pen and notepad. The doctor and the nurse both stood there smiling and waiting. Xander just looked down at Hannah’s hands. Slim, long fingered elegant hands. He had no idea what to ask. He wanted to know so many things.

Where was Joshua?

How long had he, Hannah, been in the hospital?

How badly was she hurt?

In the end he slowly wrote the most important question he could think of. He stared at the letters dancing on the page for a few minutes, and then slowly reached out and gave the notepad to doctor Calley.

The doctor read the question, looked at the nurse, looked back at the young distraught woman in the bed and sighed.

“I’ll just go and call your brother.” the doctor said gently “I really think he should be the one answering your question.” Calley put the notepad on the bed and left the room. Xander just stared at the single question written on the pad.

Where is Xander?

\------------------------------------------------

Joshua was pale. He kept rubbing his palms together as if his hands were dirty. He picked up the notepad and read the question for the fifth time since arriving.

“What do you remember?” Joshua finally asked. Xander reached up and placed his hand on Hannah’s throat. He remembered that. The strange feeling of his own blood running down and making his shirt stick to his chest.

“Oh…God…” Joshua moaned and looked away. Xander took his hand and squeezed it. Joshua looked up and nodded as if he wanted to show that he could do this. “Xander he…he…” standing up Joshua started moving restlessly around the room. He finally came back, and sat down on the edge of the bed.

“They cut his throat.” Joshua said and dried a few tears away “They cut his throat and…the paramedics arrived fast but…but…” Joshua seemed to collapse, his head was suddenly pressed against Xander’s thigh. The man’s shoulders were shaking and Xander just sat there. “They tried, Hannah…they tried so hard…” came Joshua’s muffled voice. A quiet keening noise made Xander put a hand on his friend’s shoulder “I was the one who should have picked you up…It should have been me…Xander he…” Joshua abruptly sat up, his eyes red and his face flushed “Xander is dead, Hannah…He’s dead.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Doctor Calley finally insisted that Joshua had to leave. He was upsetting the patient and he could come back later. Joshua walked out of the room, his body sagged in complete defeat.

Left alone, Xander stared blankly at the TV. Some fat woman was telling Oprah about… actually …despite the fact that Xander had been watching the show for the last half hour, he had no idea what the two women were talking about. His world seemed small. Like a cocoon wrapped in a blanket, buried under six feet of…he was dead and maybe he was buried under six feet of dirt…right now… somewhere. Xander lifted his hands up…Hannah’s hands…and just looked at them. Xander’s body was dead…gone…maybe still stored in a freezer at the coroner’s.

He suddenly realized something. If his body was gone…if he…his soul or his personality, or what ever, was in Hannah’s body then…then…Hannah’s soul…that thing that made Hannah, Hannah was gone…lost.

Xander flexed the slim fingers. Felt muscles react and move, felt the slight stiffness caused by being immobile for so long.

His soul had hijacked Hannah’s body.

\--------------------------------------------------

Xander looked at the notepad. Looked intently at the words he had written. An explanation or…well not, since Xander really didn’t know what the hell was going on.

But Joshua deserved to know the truth. Deserved to know that Hannah wasn’t…

The door opened and Joshua peeked inside. He smiled a tight little smile. Really just the ghost of a smile, that never reached his eyes. “Hey, Hannah.” his voice sounded hoarse.

Xander opened his mouth. Closed it and settled on waving awkwardly. Joshua sat down in the chair and looked around as if expecting something to have changed in the room since last time he had been there. He looked tired. “I…um…I’ve been working double shifts and helping the boss take care of some of the thing Xander would usually…And there’s a lot of new stuff…so.” Joshua scratched his neck and looked out the window “Doctor Calley says you can come home in a few days.” Xander looked up “Yeah I guess you’re looking forward to getting out of here. I’ve seen what they call food here.” Joshua made another attempt at smiling and failed spectacularly.

Xander could hear Joshua’s voice tremble. “I’m so…so…” Joshua covered his face with his large hands “I’m so fucking sorry…Hannah. I feel like such a…” he sobbed and Xander suddenly felt like running out of the room. “I feel so guilty.” Xander looked down at the notepad resting in his lap. “I feel so fucking guilty because I’m so relieved.” Xander’s fingers hovered over the words I’m not Hannah.

Joshua breathed deeply, but still covered his eyes with his hands “I’m so relieved that it was Xander that died and not you…how fucked up is that…I’m glad he was the one who died.” the sobs shook Joshua’s shoulders. “I don’t think I could live without you, Hannah.” he mumbled “I think I would die if I lost you and I feel so messed up because I’m relieved that my best friend is dead.”

Xander’s fingers curled around the page in the notepad. The letter to Joshua crumbling in his fingers. He took a deep breath and looked up at Hannah’s brother…his brother…and slowly scooted over in the bed until he could reach out and caress Joshua’s hair.

Hannah let the piece of paper fall into the small thrash can standing next to the bed and concentrated on comforting her brother.


	6. Chapter 6

“There.” Joshua said and put Hannah’s bag on the bed. “Um…so.” he looked around “I was thinking we could order a pizza or maybe Chinese. Would you like Mexican? Or maybe…yeah I could go get us a couple of burgers.” Joshua babbled. He didn’t stop before Hannah gently squeezed his hand.

“Yeah.” Joshua mumbled hoarsely “I’ll…I’ll just go call for a pizza…” he said uncertainly “With all the toppings they can cram on it, cause we both know how much Xan…” Joshua flinched and looked completely lost. “I’ll just go.” he pointed a shaking finger in the direction of the living room, and left Hannah alone in her room.

She stood there for a few minutes. What now? What the hell was…she…suppose to do now? Hannah reached out and grabbed hold of the bag and started unpacking it. The clean clothes were put on the bed and the dirty ones were tossed in a pile on the floor.

She walked over to the build in closet and opened the door. Hannah was about to put the clean clothes away, when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror on the inside of the closet door. She dropped the neatly folded shirt on the floor and her hand clenched the edge of the closet door so hard her fingers hurt.

Hannah looked at her reflection and reached out, letting her fingers ghost over the girl in the mirror. Sad eyes looked back and Hannah slammed the closet door shut. A faint cracking sound was heard.

Xander rested his forehead against the cool surface of the closet. A few sobs escaped him. He couldn’t do this…couldn’t pretend…couldn’t lie to Joshua…to himself. He loved Hannah…had loved her like a sister, just like he thought of Josh as the closest thing he had ever come to having a brother.

Xander just couldn’t face hurting him. He had tried to ask Joshua about his…Xander’s body…but Joshua cringed every time and had finally asked if Hannah couldn’t wait…just a few days, because he couldn’t…just couldn’t...not yet.

Joshua had asked if her hands hurt, because her writing seemed different somehow. Xander had spent the next few days at the hospital practicing Hannah’s handwriting…feeling like a kid learning the alphabet.

A soft knock on the door startled Xander, and he looked up when Joshua opened the door. “Hey?” Joshua said and took a few steps in Xander’s direction” What…What’s wrong?”

Xander just shook his head, his hands opening and closing. He let out a big sigh when Joshua finally helped him over to the bed. Strong arms hugged Xander close.

“Shhh, Sweety. Shhhh…” Josh whispered in Hannah’s ear “It’s gonna be okay. I promise.” Xander’s breath hitched, and the arms around him started rocking the both of them gently. “It’s okay now…okay …not letting anything bad happen to my best girl.” Joshua kissed the top of his little sister’s head. “Won’t let anything bad happen…Can’t live without you.”

\---------------------------------------------------

The funeral had been held in Sunnydale a week after the…a week after.

Xander’s parents had insisted that he be buried in his hometown. Joshua had promised them, that he would pack his best friend’s things up as soon as possible.

Xander looked around his old room. Looked at the boxes of comic books and clothes. Joshua had opened the closet and after taking a deep audible breath, he started filling boxes and bags with clothes.

Xander had gone through the drawers in the bedside table. Packed up books and a few pictures of the Scoobies. After a few hours of keeping an iron grip on his emotions, Joshua had whispered that he needed to go to work and that they’d continue later.

Xander just sat there, surrounded by his life and felt lost. Felt…old. Packing up the last few things Xander had owned, he got up from his kneeling position on the floor and walked into Hannah’s room. He felt like a stranger everywhere he went. His old room was almost empty…and Hannah’s room…Hannah’s room still carried her scent. The scent of vanilla and apples. And he felt like an intruder.

If he sat on the floor and didn’t move. If he closed his eyes and concentrated…he could almost pretend that nothing had happened…could almost pretend that Hannah had smiled at him, when he arrived that night at the library…that she had smiled and gotten into the car…that his body wasn’t rotting six feet under and that Hannah wasn’t gone…that those men hadn’t been there and that he didn’t know what it felt like to have his throat cut….

\---------------------------------------------

Xander looked up at the building and felt a shiver run down his spine. The library. It was ridiculous being afraid of a building, but he was, and he didn’t just have to look at it. He had to walk up those stairs and through those doors. Had to work again, because even though Joshua hadn’t said anything, Xander knew that money were becoming a problem. He knew that the hospital bills were looming over his friend and that the empty room meant that Josh had to work even harder than he usually did.

In the end he did the only thing he could think of. He soldiered on. Walked up those stairs and spent the day putting books back in place. And pretended to be happy, when it turned out that the other employees had bought a cake, with the words Welcome Back on it written in chocolate frosting.

Acted as if he remembered what people’s names were and where the bathroom was. Pretended until he almost believed the lie himself…until he found the bathroom and threw up the cake and the coffee. Pretended until he collapsed on the floor and someone called Joshua.

\--------------------------------------------

Joshua had been quiet all the way back home. He didn’t say a single word until they reached their apartment block. When he parked the car he turned and looked at Hannah.

“I know that…” Xander wouldn’t look at him and Joshua just sighed “I know that you must feel…Actually…” Josh said and grabbed Hannah’s arm. Xander turned and looked at him “Actually I have no idea what you feel like, cause you won’t talk about it.” Xander pulled his arm away and looked out at the parking lot. “You haven’t…I need to know how you feel…It’s like living with a zombie.” Josh leant forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. “Just…tell me how you feel, please.”

Xander found Hannah’s Hello Kitty notepad and pen in his pocket and found an empty page. He scribbled one word and handed the notepad to Joshua, then he opened the door and ran up the stairs to their apartment.

Joshua looked at the word and closed his eyes. His hand clenched around the piece of paper as he made a fist and slammed it against the dashboard. The paper fell to the floor and mocked him with the simple message

Guilty

\----------------------------------------------

Xander’s room was filled with boxes now. The bed had been stripped and the room looked empty.

“We’ll have to send it to his parents…A few things…” Joshua pointed at two boxes in the corner “…to his friends. Xander felt like his heart stopped. This room, with the things in it, was the only thing connecting him with his past…with Xander. He wasn’t sure he could keep going without it close by.

“I’ll call a few companies tomorrow. Find someone who can deliver it.”

Xander started writing on the notepad.

“You want to do it?” Josh asked “But it’ll be over the phone and…” Xander started scribbling again “What do you mean you’ll go, Hannah?” Josh looked at his sister.

Xander opened his mouth, closed it and sighed in defeat. He started writing “I know you can drive the car, but Hannah…Yeah okay…okay…no you’re not a baby, but…” Xander finally turned the page and wrote one sentence and flipped the notepad so Josh could read it.

“You need to do it.” Joshua said and looked sad “But Hannah…” Xander stabbed a finger at the sentence and looked at Joshua. “Yeah…” he said “You need to do it…But I can’t go with you. Work… and we have so many bills and…” Xander took his friend’s hand “I can manage without the car for a few weeks…but this…you’ll have to stay with some of Xander’s friends…so I have to call them first…make sure it’s okay. Okay?” Xander nodded frantically.


	7. Chapter 7

Welcome to Sunnydale, the sign said, Enjoy your stay. Xander snorted. Yeah right…that was so not gonna happen. He looked in the rear-view mirror and a smirking Hannah looked back. Averting his eyes, Xander took a deep breath and pulled over.

He got out of the car and just made it to the side of the road, before he threw up. Breathing hard enough to be heard, Xander decided that it probably wasn’t a good idea to stand around at night, unarmed, in Sunnydale. He walked back to the car and looked through one of the boxes in the trunk.

When his fingers finally closed around a stake, he sighed in relief and closed the trunk.

\-----------------------------------------

Xander used a large amount of time wondering, how he was going to tell Willow, that he wasn’t dead…well he was…his body was, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t just hand her a note with the words Hi I’m Xander.

He knew that whatever way he decided to break the news, Willow would be devastated. She would do her very best to changes things. She might try out some of her magic and in the process Joshua would lose Hannah.

Xander couldn’t do that. He was determined that Joshua would never know the truth. The way Josh had hugged Xander before he had gotten into the car, had convinced Xander that he could never live with hurting Joshua like that.

Apart from worrying about how to tell the Scoobies, he had also worried about why things had turned out the way they had. He had come up with a few theories.

Theory number one was about Hannah being more than she seemed. Maybe she was half-demon or maybe she had been cursed. The fact that she had never done anything to make Xander think she had any hidden powers, made him discard that theory almost immediately.

Theory number two focused on the knife the bastard had used to stab Hannah and cut Xander’s throat. It could be a ceremonial dagger of some kind. Only those kinds of daggers had a tendency to be flashy, with inscriptions and nifty jewels. The knife…and Xander had seen it up-close and personal…had just been a normal knife. Handle and blade. Nothing special.

Theory number three centred around Xander and something being different about him. Maybe he was destined to become…yeah, Xander had discarded that idea almost before he had formulated it in his head. Because honestly, he was just the ordinary guy. Nothing special about him.

Which left Xander with theory number four…Shit happens. He knew the theory lacked finesse and subtlety, but honestly he didn’t really care about that.

He was wearing a bra and panties for God’s sake!

\------------------------------------------

Joshua had called Willow a week before Xander had started his journey. Everything was arranged. Hannah would be staying with Willow and Buffy in Buffy’s house. The two girls had been living together since Joyce had died. Xander had been there at the funeral. He’d felt like an old toy. Obsolete and unnecessary. He hadn’t been sure about staying in Oxnard, until he had been standing in Joyce’s kitchen watching Spike make hot chocolate for Dawn.

He hoped that things would be different this time around. He hoped that his decision to keep his identity secret for the time being, was the right one and that he wouldn’t end up regretting it.

The lights were on in Buffy’s house. A few cars were parked in the driveway. There was still time. He could turn around right now, go back to Oxnard and never look back. He could work at the library and spend his days with Joshua. He could…but he wouldn’t, cause it wouldn’t be right.

He would be stealing Hannah’s life. Even if Hannah wasn’t around to want it back. That was the hardest part of dealing with what had happened to him. He didn’t want to hurt Josh and at the same time he didn’t want to lie to him.

Because no matter how hard Xander tried. No matter how many hours he spent mimicking Hannah’s handwriting or looked through the Weissman family albums in an attempt to find out what every one was called…no matter how many books he shelved or how many times he looked through Hannah’s belongings…he could never be Hannah.

And sooner or later something would happen and Joshua would get hurt.

\-----------------------------------------------

Willow was making the bed in the guest room when the doorbell rang.

“I’ll get it!” Dawn yelled and ran past Spike. The vampire protectively put his hand over his mug of hot chocolate and growled. Buffy turned the water off in the kitchen and walked out into the living room.

Dawn opened the door and looked at the young woman, standing on the doorstep.

“Hi!” Dawn chirped and smiled. The girl outside the door smiled tentatively and waved awkwardly. Dawn stood back and Spike couldn’t help but feel proud. The little Bit was smart enough not to invite the woman in. The girl slowly walked inside and just stood there.

“Hello.” Buffy said and walked over to the girl “You must be Hannah.” the slayer held out her hand. The girl nodded and shook hands with Buffy. Spike walked over. He reached out his hand and for a second he was sure the girl narrowed her eyes and almost snarled, before she took his hand and shook it firmly.

Willow came running down the stairs. She stopped when she reached the bottom and smiled brightly. She wasn’t kidding anyone. The smile didn’t reach her eyes.

“Willow, this is Hannah.” Dawn said and Willow nodded and walked over to Hannah.

“Hi.” the witch said and they all stood there waiting for something. That something turned out to be Willow reaching out and hugging the girl, while they both started crying. The girl was eerily quiet through it all but Willow had already told them that the girl was mute and that her main tool of communication was pen and paper.

Spike couldn’t help feel a little in the way and he walked into the kitchen while Dawn and Buffy calmed the two other women down.

\------------------------------------------------

He had promised himself that he would stay calm and that he wouldn’t cry. It had only taken him a few minutes to break that promise. And feeling Willow hold him tight, was almost enough to make him want to tell his old friend everything.

Eventually Willow had lead him to the couch in the living room and here he sat and listened to Willow babble about Xander and how they had been the best friends in the world. How she missed him and how much she loved him.

“You must have some luggage.” Buffy interrupted.

Hannah nodded.

“I’ll go find Spike. He can help me bring it inside.” the slayer said and got up. Xander gave her the keys to Joshua’s car and the slayer dragged the blond vampire outside.

“You must be thirsty.” Willow said “Where are my manners?” she got up from the couch and looked a little confused “What would you like? Water? Soda? Um…root beer? Water? Oh I already asked about that…” Xander found his notepad and pen and wrote

Water’s fine.

“Oh…good I’ll just go get you some then.” the witch disappeared and left Xander alone with Dawn. The teenager smiled brightly and pointed at the notepad.

“Hello Kitty.” she said “I have a t-shirt with Hello Kitty.”

Neat

“Yeah…Spike bought it for me…well he says he bought it but I honestly think he might have sto…”

“Dawn!” Willow interrupted from the kitchen door “Why don’t you come in here and help me with the cookies.” The teenager smiled at Xander and rolled her eyes. She got up and joined Willow in the kitchen.

\------------------------------------------

Spike and Buffy were just about to start lifting the boxes into the house when Angel and Gunn came back from patrolling.

“Hey Angel.” Buffy called “You came back just in time.” Angel looked at the boxes. The blue car was filled with them.

“She arrived?” he asked.

“Yeah, good looking bint too.” Spike said and grinned when Buffy tried to slap his shoulder.

“I’ll take those two.” Angel said and left the others behind as he started lifting the boxes into the house.

\---------------------------------------

Angel walked inside and put the box on the floor in the hallway. He stopped when his eyes caught a brunette with hazel eyes getting up from the couch in the living room. She was wearing jeans and a white t-shirt. Her long hair falling over her shoulders.

“Oh.” the vampire said “Um…hello.” The girl nodded and seemed to be looking for something. When Willow burst through the kitchen door with a big glass of water and a plate of cookies the girl relaxed and sat back down on the couch.

“Told ya she was good looking.” Spike’s whisper startled Angel and the blond vampire chuckled.


	8. Chapter 8

Xander woke up in the guestroom. He stretched and wriggled his toes. The weirdest thing about the change, was how much smaller he felt. He had always been a little taller than the other kids and in high school he’d felt clumsy, like his legs and arms were too long and his shoulders too broad.

But now he felt small. Especially yesterday when he had been standing next to one of Angel’s friends. Gunn had seemed huge, and then Angel had come over and he reached for something on the counter behind Xander, and the vampire‘s large body had actually blocked out anything else in Xander‘s view.

A soft knock on the door and Dawn peeked her head inside. “Morning.” she said enthusiastically. The teenager smiled and walked in. She looked around “Wow! This room is really boring, isn’t it?”

Xander clutched the blanket closer around himself when Dawn sat down on the bed. “So what’re you gonna wear today?” she looked over at the chair next to the window and squealed when she saw the shirt draped over it. “Oh my God!” she jumped up from the bed and touched the shirt.

“Oh my God! Xander gave me one just like it for my last birthday…I was so excited to get it. It arrived in this really cool black box. Mine was green, though.” Dawn babbled and held up the shirt Xander had bought for Hannah. He remembered seeing it and thinking that the green one would look great on Dawn and the blue one would fit really well with those new jeans Hannah had bought. It felt strange thinking about that now.

“I bet you look great in this.” Dawn went on “Come on” she said and started dragging Xander from the bed. He attempted to grab on to the blanket but ended up standing in front of the mirror in his… Hannah’s…underwear, and nothing else. Dawn didn’t seem to notice, as she started going on and on about the mall and all the really cool shops there.

\----------------------------------------

Willow was sitting at the kitchen table when Dawn and Xander came down the stairs. The second the witch noticed the two women, she sat up straighter and plastered on a big fake smile.

“Good morning.” she got up and started putting food on the table. Buffy came in and they sat down to eat breakfast. Gunn came down the stairs arguing with someone on his cell phone. He sighed and put it in his pocket.

“Morning, ladies.” he said and filled a bowl with cornflakes and milk. Buffy noticed that Hannah was looking around as if searching for someone.

“Angel and Spike are um…they…ahhh.” she started and looked over at Willow.

“Yes, they were really tired…cause.” the witch attempted.

“They work nightshift at a local factory.” Gunn said and kept on eating.

Xander looked at the man and got up and left the room.

“Weird.” Dawn said.

\----------------------------------------

He was standing in the bathroom with his hand over his mouth. Xander suddenly realised that it was completely unnecessary and started laughing silently. He laughed so hard tears started running down his cheeks.

Oh God! Just the image of Spike, smeared in motor grease working in some factory, pulling levers and pushing buttons. And maybe Angel would be his supervisor and he’d wear one of those blue coveralls and he’d have a clipboard he could write all his complaints on.

Oh my God! Xander was fighting for air as he moved over to the sink and started splashing cold water in his face. He stood up and saw Hannah grinning like a loon in the mirror.

Suddenly nothing seemed quite so funny. Not even Angel wearing a hairnet…Okay. Yeah. Xander started laughing again.

Angel in a hairnet. A blue one!

\-------------------------------------------

“What’s with the bint?” Spike asked, when the two vampires joined the others later that evening.

“Hmmmm?” Angel said.

“Bint keeps grinning at me.” Spike mumbled so only Angel could hear it.

“She does have a nice smile.” Angel murmured.

“Git!” Spike groaned.

\------------------------------------------

Xander was staring at the boxes. More than half of them needed to be delivered at his parents’ house.

“You’ll need help with that.” Buffy said and Xander turned and looked at the slayer.

He nodded.

“I can’t go with you tonight…I actually have a job interview.” she looked pleased “Maybe Willow…”

“Sorry.” Willow said, as she came out of the kitchen “I’m going off to one of my…um…meetings.”

“I’ll take her.” Spike said from the couch. The blond vampire was leering at Hannah.

“Could you?” Buffy asked “That would really help…When we’ve delivered the boxes, Hannah is staying for another week…a little vacation.” the slayer smiled at Hannah.

“Is she now.” Spike smirked. Xander looked at Buffy and Willow. The two women seemed oblivious to Spike’s behaviour. Did women actually find the leering and the smirking attractive?

Sure Spike looked great. With the muscles and the eyes and…his overall great-lookingness, but he just kept pushing and that made him seem desperate. He was like Lenny back in Oxnard. Everyone and his brother had slept with Lenny. He was the kind of guy who would keep pushing until he ended up face first against an alley wall. Spike was like that…pushy.

\-------------------------------------------

“Where’re you going?” Angel asked when he met Spike and Hannah outside Buffy’s house.

“Gonna go deliver those boxes, yeah.” Spike said and lifted one of the boxes.

“Who’s going with her?” Angel asked, his eyes following the girl as she bent over to push one of the boxes further into the car.

“Me.” Spike smirked.

“You and?” Angel frowned.

“Just me.” Spike said and started walking over to the car. Angel watched Spike brush against Hannah, when the blond vampire put the box in the trunk of the car. Angel shook his head and walked over to the car and got in the driver’s seat. Hannah looked up and seemed puzzled. She looked back at Spike. The blond vampire was not pleased.

“You’ll need help lifting all those boxes into the house.” Angel said and couldn’t help grinning when Spike cursed and crawled over a box and sat down in the backseat. Hannah shrugged and got in the car. She looked over at Angel and smiled tentatively.

Spike growled.


	9. Chapter 9

It felt strange…standing there outside his parents’ house. The front lawn was as messed up as it had always been. The grass was a sickly yellow colour and the thrash can was filled to overflowing.

“Shut your trap!” someone screamed from inside and Xander sighed and looked back at the two vampires, standing by the car. They both looked over at the house and Angel frowned and looked at Spike, who seemed to be muttering under his breath.

“Shall we?” Angel asked quietly.

Hannah nodded.

“Bloody drunks.” Spike mumbled as they made their way to the front door. Xander knocked and waited. Someone was arguing inside. He knocked again. Nothing happened. Spike growled and knocked so hard on the door that the frame shook.

“What?!” Tony Harris asked, with an annoyed look on his face, when he opened the door. Xander hadn’t seen his father for a few years and he was surprised that he looked so old.

“Here with the whelp’s belongings.” Spike said.

“Who?” Jessica asked from behind her husband. She had a small bruise on her right cheek, just under the eye.

“Xander.” Angel clarified.

“Oh…” Jessica looked away and nodded “Please co…”

“You can put his shit in the basement.” Tony snarled and Angel clenched his hands in an attempt to stay in control. “Come on in. …” Xander’s father said, as he turned his back on the three. “You’ll have to use the stairs in the kitchen. The damn basement door is stuck.”

\---------------------------------------------------

Xander stared at the boxes. They were stacked against the wall in the cellar. Xander’s life was held in those boxes. His comics, clothes, a few movies and it all seemed so…so…

“Pathetic.” Spike said and kicked one of the boxes. Angel glared at him.

“Shut up, Will.” the older vampire said.

Xander knelt down and opened one of the boxes. He knew which one to look in. He’d been the one to pack that particular box. He search for a few seconds and finally pulled out an old battered teddy bear.

It had been white once. White with fluffy teddy fur and shiny brown eyes. Now the colour was more grey than white and the fur was matted and missing in places. Only one eye was left, and where the other eye had been there were a few stitches. A bit of stuffing was sticking out from the neck.

Both vampires were quiet, as the three of them walked up the stairs and said goodbye to Mrs. Harris.

\--------------------------------------------------------

“Bloody wankers.” Spike growled and Angel nodded. The two vampires were watching Hannah. She was sitting on the bench in Buffy’s garden. The old teddy bear clutched in her hands.

“Could at least have spoken to her.” Spike continued.

“Makes you wonder how Xander turned out the way he did.” Angel said and smiled. “Brave, mouthy, and he had the ability to love his friends so much that he was ready to die for them.”

“Wouldn’t rightly know.” Spike said “Didn’t really know the whelp.”

\---------------------------------------------------------

Dawn and Gunn watched Spike and Angel through the panorama window in the living room. Spike and Angel both walked out into the moonlit garden. The blond vampire looked at his Sire and growl. Spike noticed the plate of cookies the older vampire was holding and the warm blanket draped over the strong arm. Angel glared at the mug of hot chocolate and soft blanket Spike was carrying.

Dawn giggled and Gunn shook his head.

“Wouldn’t think they‘re over a hundred years old.” Gunn said “Competing about everything, like five year old snotty kids.” Dawn giggled.

“And the race is on!” Dawn said in a hurried voice “Spike ahead by a nose and a mug of hot chocolate. But no! It’s Angel! Offering Hannah his warm blanket and there…Spike takes charge. Hannah accepts the blanket from Angel and the mug of hot steaming chocolate from Spike and it looks like the bleached menace is winning but ohm” Dawn squealed “Unexpected move from Angel as he gives the lovely lady a whole plate filled with cookies.” Gunn laughed at Dawn antics.

\----------------------------------------------------------

Xander looked at the two vampires. Something weird was going on.

“Mind if I sit with you?” Angel asked quietly and scowled at Spike when the blond vampire sat down on the other side of Hannah without asking if it was okay.

Hannah looked up at the dark-haired vampire and smiled. Angel smiled back and sat down next to her. Spike shuffled closer to Hannah and draped his blanket over her shoulders.

“’S cold outside tonight.” the blond vampire explained. Angel growled.

“Sorry about the way Xander’s parents treated you.” Angel said quietly and Spike nodded in agreement.

Xander found the notepad and started writing.

I knew.  
She started but then tried again. 

Xander told me about them. Knew they were drunks.

“Yeah. Doesn’t really give them the right to treat you like that.” Angel said.

Didn’t really expect anything else.

“Bloody bastards.” Spike growled.

Indeed.

Angel laughed.

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Oh wait.” Dawn said “No way they aren’t really gonna try out that old trick?”

Gunn watched as Spike and Angel both yawned and stretched their arms back and over Hannah’s head. Just as the vampires were going to put their arms around the girls shoulder, she got up and left the bench. Leaving the two Master vampires to figure out how they could untangle their arms and get away from the situation, with at least a resemblance of dignity.

“Way to go Hannah.” Gunn said and smirked.

\--------------------------------------------

The house was quiet. Buffy was out patrolling with Riley. They hadn’t told Xander that, of course. They made some lame excuse about going to a late night movie. Willow and Dawn were sleeping and Spike, Angel and Gunn had disappeared after dinner.

Xander pulled a sweater over his t-shirt, and tiptoed out of the guestroom and down the stairs. He closed the front door quietly behind him, and made sure that the stake was still in his pocket.

Then he made his way to Green Meadows Cemetery.

The last resting place of Alexander LaVell Harris.


	10. Chapter 10

Spike, Angel and Gunn dusted the few fledges they found lurking at Sunnydale Memorial Cemetery. The fledges had been too easy to stake and Spike still felt full of energy.

“Bloody puny fledges, not even worth the wasted time getting here.” he growled.

“Yeah maybe we should go home to Ha…Buffy’s house.” Angel said, correcting himself. Spike glared at him and Gunn started laughing.

“Man, you guys have got it bad.” the street fighter teased the two Master vampires.

“Should bloody drain ya.” Spike growled and winced when the chip reminded him why he couldn’t do that.

\-----------------------------------------

Xander moved quietly through Sunnydale. That was another thing that had changed. In Hannah’s body he could sneak with the best of them. Her smaller body made it easier to hide and her muscles seemed not to be quite as stiff as Xander’s had been.

Xander knew he wasn’t stealthy enough to fool a vampire but he might just be good enough to do this. He knew that his body…that Xander…had been buried in Green Meadows Cemetery. Xander had planned to go there sooner but the Scoobies seemed to think that they had to keep Hannah company all the time. And Spike and Angel hovered over him all the time. It puzzled him why the vampires felt the need to hang out with ´Hannah.

\---------------------------------------------------------

“Should go to Green Mea…” Spike was saying when he suddenly caught a familiar scent. He turned and looked around scanning the quiet streets of Sunnydale.

“What?” Gunn said and pulled a stake out of his pocket.

“Hannah.” Angel said and looked over at Spike “What the hell is she doing outside?” the vampire asked.

\----------------------------------------------------------

When Xander finally arrived at the graveyard he found a piece of paper in his pocket. It was slightly crumbled. 

143b.

The number indicated where in the large cemetery Xander’s body had been buried.

He needed to find one of those small maps that would tell him where 143b was. Xander started walking away from the light shining from the streetlights outside the graveyard. He didn’t notice that he was being watched.

\----------------------------------------------------------

“Stupid bint.” Spike drawled as he strode through the gates of Green Meadows Cemetery.

“Hey…”Angel growled.

“Wasn’t talking ‘bout Hannah.” Spike clarified “Was talking ‘bout Buffy. Letting her wander willy-nilly around Sunnyhell at night.” the blond vampire huffed.

Gunn couldn’t help smiling despite the danger.

\-------------------------------------------------

143b.

Couldn’t be right, Xander thought. Cause if this was right. No. No, someone must have made a mistake. Written the wrong number in the letter to Joshua. Or maybe this wasn’t really 143b.

Xander frantically started running back and forth between the headstones on the other side of 143b. No. No the numbers were correct. So it was the note that was wrong it had to be wrong. It had to.

Xander stood there and looked at the wall. On it were numbers and names. Each name stood on a slab of grey granite that had been embedded in the wall. Each slab covering a small niche only big enough to hold an urn. An urn and not a body.

His body had been cremated.

\--------------------------------------------------

Gunn was the first one to notice her. She was standing in front of the urn niches. She hadn’t moved at all since the street fighter had discovered her.

“What’s she doing?” he whispered to Spike.

“Xander’s ashes are resting there.” Angel said and looked over at Spike. The blond vampire growled softly. He was picking up the scent of pure despair as well.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Everything ground to a halt. As if the world was ending. Tearing Xander apart and spreading the small pieces all over the place. His eyes kept focusing on the name written on the slab.

Alexander LaVell Harris

There was nothing else left to do. Xander was gone. Burned to ashes. Dust. And with his body went Xander’s last hope of things ever returning to the way they were suppose to be.

His chest felt too tight and he started gasping for breath. His body felt small and breakable. Fragile. The air had turned into a thick liquid. It filled his throat. Burned his lungs and made his vision blurry.

Xander’s knees buckled and he ended up on the ground leaning against the granite wall. His fingers scraping against the stone, nails breaking on the chipped edges. He wanted to scream. But the air was too thick and Hannah had lost her voice…Xander was gone. Ashes. Dust.

Strong hands pulled him close and held him tight. Gathering all the pieces of who he was and who he had been.

“Shhhh….Hannah…shhhh…” a deep soothing voice made him look up and into kind brown eyes.

“Should get her out of ‘ere.”

“I’ll carry her.” the soothing voice promised “You’ll be all right.”

Sometimes even lies could make the world seem better.


	11. Chapter 11

“How is she?” Buffy asked quietly when Angel and Willow came out of the room Hannah was staying in. Angel closed the door and pointed down the stairs, indicating that he wanted to talk in the living room. Buffy nodded and they all walked silently down the stairs.

“She finally sleeping.” Angel held up her notepad “But she spent twenty minutes writing…well… nonsense in her notepad before she just curled up and cried herself to sleep.” ´The vampire looked worn out, he sighed and said “She got so upset that her handwriting just went crazy for a second.”

“But I just don’t get it.” Dawn said “She knew Xander was dead. Why would it surprise her like that?”

“Don’t know.” Spike said from the couch “but she fell apart when she saw ‘is grave.”

“Thought for a second there that she was going crazy.” Gunn said and walked further into the living room.

\-----------------------------------------

Willow was unpacking one of Xander’s boxes. She laughed when the first thing she took out was a photo of little Willow dressed as Cinderella.

“Wha’s that then?” Spike asked and knelt down next to the box.

“Me.” Willow smiled as she took out a few more pictures “And this is Jesse and Xander.” She passed a photo of a mini Batman and a mini Spiderman to Angel. The vampire chuckled.

“Figures Xander would go as the Dark Knight.” he touched the little boys big smile. It saddened him, that Xander had been ripped from the world like he had. It didn’t seem right. Angel looked at the next picture Willow handed him. Xander, younger in this picture, holding on to a little teddy bear. The bear was already well used back then but that didn’t seem to make the boy love it less.

“This bear?” Angel asked “Was it important to Xander?” Angel wasn’t sure why he asked…maybe it was something about the way the boy was holding on to it or maybe something in Xander’s eyes.

“He loved that bear.” Willow said “His grandmother gave it to him. She didn’t get along with Xander’s parents. She didn’t like their drinking and…” Willow looked away.

“What?” Buffy asked. The slayer was looking at some of the other things in the box.

“She didn’t like that they…” Willow looked uncertain “That they…hit Xander.” Angel and Spike growled. Buffy stood up, a homemade comic book with stickmen on it dangling from her fingers.

“They did what?” she asked loudly.

“Shhhh…Ya’ll wake Hannah.” Spike scolded.

“Sorry…but…They hit Xander?” Buffy looked angry. Willow nodded.

“Not all the time but…his dad liked to drink and…Xander was…He’d hit Xander because he got bad grades or just because he was there. Who knows why he did it.” the witch stuttered.

“Bloody humans.” the blond vampire snarled. Angel looked down at the picture of Xander. The boy looked sad. His eyes were dark and spoke of pain, neglect.

“So he would tell that bear all his sorrows.” Willow said “He sometimes came over to my house at night and we’d talk. My parents didn’t know about it. He’d climb the tree outside my window and he’d sit there and tell these outrageous stories.” Willow smiled sadly “He always brought that bear along. Said he couldn’t stand the thought of it being alone at home with his dad.”

“You don’t think….” Buffy started but then looked away.

“Don’t think what?” Willow asked and put a small stack of letters and cards on the table. Angel looked over at Spike and the blond vampire stood up.

“Slayer wants ta know if his da’ only hit him?” Spike said. Willow looked confused.

“Did he…” Buffy attempted “Xander never said anything about…” Willow still looked confused.

“Did his dad abuse him…” Gunn sighed and looked disgusted “sexually.”

Willow’s eyes grew big and she shook her head “No!…no he…he didn’t…Xander told me about all the times his dad hit him or his mother locked him in his room…but no.”

Angel nodded and the topic seemed to be dealt with. There was nothing they could do about it now anyway. They couldn’t ask Xander. The vampire picked up a few of the letters.

“Well.” Buffy said “I think we all need sleep. We should follow Hannah’s example and go to bed.” the slayer looked at Dawn. The teenager rolled her eyes but walked up the stairs to her room with out complaining.

\--------------------------------------------------

Twenty minutes later Angel was sitting alone in the kitchen with Hannah’s notepad and a few of Xander’s letters and cards. Some were cards written to the other kid named Jesse. Willow and Xander had both written a few lines in a bright yellow birthday card.

Hope you have a great birthday. Love. Willow

Dude, much cash and juby jubilas jubilation. Xanman.

Angel frowned. There was something about those words or maybe it was…The vampire opened Hannah’s notepad and found the last page she had written on.

Need the body…Xander…gone never coming back get it back go back and get it back. Joshua will be…need to…just ashes and …FUCK…FUCK…need to do it right can’t hurt them he’ll get hurt Hannah…I…I need to make sure he’s okay…not there just dust.

Angel looked at the x’s and the m’s. They had small curls at the ends as if written with a big move of a hand. He looked at the card again. The same x’s and m’s. The c’s looked completely the same. Angel started flipping through the notepad until he found three pages of the same message written again and again.

I’m Hannah Weissman.

I’m Hannah Weissman.

Weissman.

W W W W W W W W W

Weissman

Like someone had practised on imitating someone else’s handwriting. Angel looked at the beginning of the notepad and couldn’t help smiling.

What’s for dinner?

Makes him fart!!!

Did it work? Will we be saved from the horrible cabbage soup?

The handwriting used in those first pages was very different from the handwriting used in Hannah’s last message. Angel looked over at the box standing next to the coffee table in the living room. He walked over and found the picture of Xander holding the teddy bear. He was holding it exactly like Hannah had held it at the Harris’s house. And the look in the little boy's eyes was the same as Hannah‘s dark ones.

“What the hell is going on here?” Angel asked the empty room.


	12. Chapter 12

Angel was sitting in his car. It was parked outside Buffy’s house next to Hannah’s old battered car. The vampire was dialling a number on his cell phone. He waited patiently.

“Wes?” Angel asked “It’s me…yeah…no nothing yet about the demons Cordy saw in her vision…that’s not why I called.” Angel listened “No no. We’re ok…yeah. I was just wondering if you could find some information about…what? No you won’t need the books…at least not yet. I need you to check something for me on the internet.”

Angel nodded “Okay. So would it be possible to find some articles about what happened to Xander? Yeah…yes Oxnard…Well all Buffy was told was that he died protecting a friend of his… Hannah…Weissman…two s’s, one n.” he could faintly hear Wesley tapping on the keyboard. “No don’t fax it…just read it to me.”

Angel leant back in the leather seat and listened.

\------------------------------------------

She looked so small, curled up like that on the bed in the guestroom. Angel watched as Hannah slept. She would gasp and breathe deeply whenever her dreams became troubled. Maybe she would have screamed if she’d had her voice.

Angel saw her open her eyes and stretch. The t-shirt she was wearing lifting slightly so he could see her stomach. The vampire averted his eyes and studied the wall for a few seconds. When he looked back the girl was sitting up in bed and staring at him.

“Morning, Hannah.” Angel simply said and watched as she started to look for her notepad and pen. “I have it.” Angel said and showed her what he was holding in his hand.

She stopped and stared at him. Her eyes narrowing and she pointed at the notepad and pen. Clearly indicating that she wanted them back.

“Not yet.” Angel said “I want to ask you some questions first.” Hannah was about to get out of bed when she realised that she was wearing nothing but a skimpy t-shirt and panties. The covers were tucked almost all the way up under her chin as she sat back down on the bed.

“First off I want you to know that I’m sorry.” Angel said and Hannah tilted her head. “I don’t…nothing I can say will really change things but maybe if you could talk to someone about it…well.” Angel opened the notepad and looked up at the young woman sitting on the bed.

“I know” the vampire said quietly “I know that it’s really you, Xander.”

Xander bolted out of the bed and ended up tripping on the blanket. Angel caught him by the arm. Xander angrily pushed Angel’s hand away. They both became aware of how close they were standing. Angel took a step back and reached out for the jeans that were draped over the other chair. He handed them to Xander and then turned away giving Xander some privacy.

Xander looked over at the door. He could just walk out. Leave. He could run, get in the car and not stop before he reached Oxnard. He looked at Angel. The vampire had his back turned. Xander sighed and dressed. When he was done he touched Angel’s shoulder.

“Finished?” he asked. Xander nodded and looked around. “Maybe you should sit down?” Xander sat on the edge of the bed as if he was ready to run out of the room any second. “Look…I’m…” Angel began and then pulled one of the chairs over to the bed and sat down facing Xander “I’m going to tell you how I think this happened or at least tell you about the information I already have, okay?”

Xander looked at the vampire and slowly nodded. He could always leave if he didn’t want to hear what Angel had to say.

“You were attacked at night. You were there, at Oxnard Public Library, to pick up Hannah. Your friend’s little sister. You came just in time to stop the men that were trying to rape her.” Angel stopped and looked at Xander. It was strange to look into the young woman’s brown eyes and know that Xander was looking back.

“They…cut your throat.” Xander made a strained noise in the back of his throat, as if he’d scream if he could. Angel got up and sat down next to him. “You watched as they stabbed Hannah as well. She was badly hurt. Now I doubt that you remember much more from that night.”

Angel paused briefly as if giving Xander the chance to answer “But…someone saw what happened and called 911. The paramedics arrived. You were both badly hurt. Hannah stopped breathing…she died and almost at the same time…you died too.”

Xander was pretty sure he would have been curled up on the floor by now if he hadn’t been leaning on Angel. Xander started to shake uncontrollably and Angel pulled him closer, anchoring him.

“Somehow…” the vampire whispered “Your soul ended up in Hannah’s body. Xander‘s…your body was brought to the morgue and eventually sent to Sunnydale where your parents decided to cremate it.” Angel’s arms tightened a little more around Xander’s shoulders when the vampire felt the shaking turn into sobs.

“I’m so sorry, Xander.” Xander hid his face in Angel’s neck and his hands grabbed onto the vampire’s dark shirt. “Wesley…he says that without a living body he can’t reverse what happened…and that it could only have happened if you or Hannah were demons or if magic was involved.” Xander pulled back and looked startled “But I don’t sense anything remotely demon about you. Not now or when you were…when you were in your own body.”

Xander relaxed minutely until he remembered the other option. He pulled completely away from Angel and stood up. Angel watched as he moved over to the dresser where the vampire had left the notepad and pen. Xander started writing. Angel stood up and walked over to stand next to Xander so he could see what he was writing.

“The Powers?…No I don’t see why they would do this.” Angel waited for Xander to finish his next sentence “I don’t know…it could have been a curse or a protection spell…And I can’t think about a single person who would benefit form your…” the vampire looked at Xander “Your current… problem.”

“Why protect you?” Angel looked confused “What do you mean why?” Xander scribbled some more, his handwriting becoming more and more smudged as he smeared the still wet ink with his hand as he wrote “You…” Angel started and then ripped the notepad from Xander‘s hands “You are not useless.” Xander reached his hand out for the notepad and Angel sighed and handed it over.

The vampire waited patiently and read the next word, his voice getting loud with indignation “Normal!” Xander nodded and wrote 

Not Slayer.  
Not Witch.  
Not Werewolf.  
Not Watcher.  
Not Vampire.  
Just Normal.

Angel stared at the words, as if he wasn’t sure what the letters meant. Finally he gently reached out and took the notepad and pen and flipped the pages until he found a blank one. Then he started writing, holding the notepad so Xander couldn’t see. After three minutes or so he handed the notepad to Xander.

Xander looked at the pad and then at Angel “Read.” the vampire said and left the room. Xander looked down at the page. It was filled with beautiful handwriting. The kind his teachers would have loved him to master. 

You have fought demons since you were 16. You’ve paid the ultimate price, lost friends and you still carried on fighting the good fight. Even when you were outnumbered and knew it, you kept helping.

No you can’t do magic or need to be caged up when the full moon rises. You don’t have superhuman strength. And still you went out on patrols, you dragged me out of my apartment demanding I go help Buffy. You brought back the slayer when she died and you faced Angelus and told him to get lost.

If there were more normal people like you the world would be a better place.

I’m going to talk to Giles. Come down when you’re ready.


	13. Chapter 13

“Now you know everything I do.” Angel said and looked at Giles. “The question is why did Willow put a spell on him?” Giles looked up and then looked away. “Did you know about it?” Angel asked.

“Yes I knew about the spell…but Willow didn’t…why’d you think she did it?” the watcher asked quietly.

“She cared for Xander. They were best friends and she’s always had a tendency to solve problems with magic.” Angel was about to continue when Giles interrupted

“I knew he was leaving…He spoke to me about going on a trip. Something told me he wasn’t coming back.” Giles looked out the window, his attention drawn to the quiet houses outside.

“I knew that Xander would need some kind of protection…I…” the watcher turned and looked at Angel “I never had any children of my own, Angel. I always thought that there would be time…later…until later became never and I ended up in Sunnydale.”

Giles smiled sadly “Surrounded by children…Xander…considering the kind of home he came from… imagine what he could have…with the right kind of support…” Giles sighed “Xander was always special to me, Angel. And the thought of him alone somewhere out there… So I found the strongest protection spell I could and used it on him. It was suppose to keep him safe…in case…”

“Could the spell have caused this…mess?” Angel said and looked over at Giles.

“I…No.” Giles shook his head “I see no possible way for it to have…” the watcher suddenly stopped.

“Unless?” Angel urged.

“Unless it wasn’t the only protection spell cast on him.”

\-------------------------------------------

Xander was packing his bag, when someone knocked on the door. His first thought was to call out and tell whoever it was that he was busy. He silently cursed, sighed and walked over to open the door.

“Hey!” Dawn said and waved awkwardly. Xander smiled and stepped back. Dawn grinned and moved into the room. “You’re packing?” she said looking at the bags.

Xander nodded and found the notepad and pen. He started writing and showed the page to the teenager.

“Oh…you have to work…Um…what do you do?” Dawn asked. Xander answered. “Library…you’re a librarian? Does Giles know? He’s Buffy’s old teacher. Bet he’d love to discuss cataloguing or stuff with you.” Dawn read the answer “Oh assistant…that’s cool…so you gonna study and become a librarian?”

What could Xander possibly answer to that? Xander’s own plans had involved maybe a raise and more responsibility at the construction site. Maybe becoming a manager later on…but what had Hannah’s dreams for the future been?

“So going back to your boyfriend?” Dawn asked, completely forgetting her earlier question.

Ahhhh…boyfriends. Hannah had had a boyfriend, Xander was sure he remembered some young guy with glasses. Thomas or Tim or Tommy. If he remembered right it hadn’t lasted because the kid had turned out to be a jerk…and Xander’s last boyfriend? Carl. Carl had been lots and lots of fun. Great sex and laughing in bed but it hadn’t been the kind of relationship you could build a future on. Carl had been so far into the closet that he’d need a map to find the way out.

“I bet he’s good looking.” Dawn carried on “Big and strong…And if you don’t have one…Spike really likes you.” Xander started coughing.

Spike?

SPIKE!

“Willow says Angel likes you too. He’s been all big eyed and drooling since you arrived.” Dawn giggled and sat down on the bed. Xander just stood there staring. “I really think Angel looks hot. All that muscle and his eyes are just to die for…” Dawn kept talking but Xander didn’t hear half of it. He stormed out of the room and down the stairs.

\---------------------------------------------------

Willow was drinking coffee in the kitchen when Hannah burst through the door.

“Hi, Hannah…” the witch began but was cut off by Hannah pushing a notepad in front of her face.

“Angel…um he went to see Giles…I don’t think…” Willow’s voice trailed off when Hannah ran out of the room. “You can’t go outside.” Willow yelled after her “There might be…um…dingoes!”

\---------------------------------------------------------

Xander stopped the car outside Giles’ house and slammed the car door behind him, before he ran up the driveway. He pounded on the door and when Giles opened it he pushed his way past the stunned librarian.

“Ahhhh…um….Hannah?” Giles said and followed the young woman as she stormed through his house. She didn’t stop until she entered the small library. Angel looked up and seemed surprised.

Xander found his notepad and started writing, his movements furious. When he finished, he ripped the page off the notepad and practically threw the piece of paper at the vampire. Angel caught it and started reading.

“What? No!” Angel started “Why’d you think that would…” Xander slapped another note against the vampire’s chest. “You can’t seriously think I’d be doing this only to...that’s just stupid. I…”

“Xander perhaps you would like to sit down?” Giles asked gently and Xander turned around so fast he almost lost his footing. He pointed at Giles and then turned back to Angel.

“I told him…I thought…” Angel looked uncertain his brown eyes darting from the young woman to the watcher. Xander wrote something else and then threw it at Angel before he stormed out again.

“Well…I must say…” Giles took off his glasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose “Maybe it’s something hormonal…”

Angel looked down at the papers in his hand and sighed. So Xander thought that Angel was only interested in helping because of his attraction to Hannah…well to…Angel shook his head and picked the last note up from the floor. It said

You didn’t ask permission.

\----------------------------------------------------

“Bloody wanker!” Spike mumbled as he followed Angel and Buffy.

“She was just really upset about…something.” Angel said as they walked through Sunnydale. Buffy patted him on the back and said

“I’m sure she’ll be okay. Maybe she went back to the house?” the slayer looked hopeful.

“I’ll call Willow and ask.” Angel said and found his cell phone. Just as he was about to call Willow, the phone made a low buzzing sound. Angel pushed a button and put the phone to his ear. Spike stopped and looked at Angel.

“Yes?” Angel nodded “When? She had another vision about the demons…Yeah…Someone getting attacked…but that’s just like the last…” Angel listened “A young woman?” Angel looked over at Spike “Brown hair…she looked like she was…what…a name? Ha…” Angel’s voice trailed off and Spike took a few steps closer to the taller vampire “Where? We’re almost there.” Angel put the phone away and started running toward Green Meadows Cemetery.


	14. Chapter 14

“Willow?” Giles gently said. The young witch looked up. She was trying to use magic to pinpoint where Hannah was. A map of Sunnydale was spread out on the watcher’s living room table.

“Yes?” Willow absentmindedly answered while she held the pendulum over the map.

“Did you…” Giles started “Did you cast a spell on Xander before he left for his road trip?”

“A-a spell?” Willow said and looked around her as if the watcher might be asking someone else.

“Yes. A protection spell of some kind.” Giles clarified.

“Um…No?” Willow tried and looked over at Dawn. The girl was flipping through an old book trying to find the demons Cordy had described in her phone call.

“Is that an answer or a question?” Giles asked and looked Willow in the eyes.

“Both?” Willow attempted and Dawn chuckled. Giles shook his head.

“This is really very serious, Willow, and it could turn out to be important.” the watcher tried.

“No…he’s gone so why would it matter if I tried to give him some extra protection.” Willow sniffled and tried to hide the tears running down her face.

“You guys find out where she’s at?” Gunn asked as he came down the stairs.

“No, not yet.” Giles said “According to Angel, Cordy said the young woman looked like Hannah.” Giles looked down at the map “But Buffy and the others have had no luck finding her at Green Meadows Cemetery.”

”I just talked to Cordy.” Gunn said and waved his cell phone back and forth ”She said she saw a sign that said Green Meadows Cemetery and she described a young woman getting attacked there. Sounded a lot like Hannah to me.” the street fighter finished.

”Show me where Hannah Weissman is.” Willow mumbled and held the pendulum high over the map. Nothing happened. ”Show me where Hannah Weissman is.” Willow repeated. Still nothing. ”I don’t understand…” the witch mumbled and sprinkled some more dried sage over the map. She made another attempt and then just slumped in her seat.

”That one always works.” Dawn said ”Maybe the pendulum is broken.” Willow shook her head.

”If the pendulum isn’t showing us where Hannah is then it’s because she isn’t in Sunnydale anymore…or…b-because she’s…dead.” Willow whispered.

”I used to do this spell over a map of Oxnard.” Willow said and smiled sadly. She lifted the pendulum over the map ”I used to do it once or twice a month…Where is Alexander Harris?…I…” Willow stopped suddenly when the pendulum swung in a wide circle and then settled over the map of Sunnydale. Giles reached out and gently pushed Willow’s hand down until the pendulum touched the map.

\-------------------------------------------------

”Okay!” Angel said as he closed his cell phone ”Giles says X…Hannah is somewhere close to Xander’s parents’ house.”

Buffy looked confused. ”But didn’t Cordy see her getting attacked at the cemetery?”

”Yeah…well…most of the time she sees things in a blur…maybe a street name or a significant building.” Angel tried to explain while the two vampires and the slayer changed direction ”And then she has to filter out the physical pain she suffers when she gets the visions.”

\------------------------------------------------

Willow stared at the map. Her hand was shaking so badly that the pendulum danced over the streets of Sunnydale. She looked up at Giles expecting him to explain. Her eyes filled with both fear and hope.

”Xander is here? In Sunnydale? Alive?” she whispered.

”It isn’t quite as simple as that, I’m afraid.” Giles gently said and took the pendulum from the witch. Willow’s hand still hovered over the map.

”You need to concentrate.” Giles told her. ”You need to tell me what kind of spell you used.”

”Just…a-a spell to secure h-his soul.” Willow squeaked.

”Oh dear.” Giles said.

\----------------------------------------------

Xander was watching his parents’ house. It looked like it always had. It was in need of repairs and the small garden could use some tender love and care. Even the raised voices coming from the house were the same. Some of the words shouted sounded familiar as well.

Hannah and Joshua had always spoken of their parents with great affection. David and Margaret Weissman had been good parents. They had done their best to ensure that their children had the best start in life. They had cared enough not to hate each other or their kids.

Standing there on the sidewalk outside the house, listening to his father screaming at his mother, Xander suddenly understood why he had loved being a part of Joshua’s and Hannah’s little family.

He looked down at the notepad in his hands and sighed. Lost in contemplation he never noticed the three vampires lurking in the shadows.

\-----------------------------------------------

”I cast a protection spell on Xander as well.” Giles admitted to a stunned Willow.

”But Xander’s dead.” Dawn said uncertainly.

”Not if the pendulum located him…The spell I cast only locates humans…It’s much harder to locate a vampire because they don’t have a ….” Willow’s eyes widened and she looked up at Giles. ”Xander’s soul?” the witch asked.

”Xander isn’t dead?” Dawn looked from the watcher to the witch.

”Xander’s soul isn’t.” Willow said and looked at the map ”But I couldn’t find Hannah…” the witch’s voice trailed off. ”Is…does…” Willow attempted ”Does this mean what I think it means?”


	15. Chapter 15

He didn’t really know what the hell he was doing. He should just have called. He could have called and just asked. But instead he was driving past the Welcome to Sunnydale sign.

Joshua sighed and blinked his eyes. The cars driving in the opposite lane were blinding him with their headlights. Hannah hadn’t called or written or anything. She hadn’t been gone that long and maybe she was busy. Maybe Willow, Xander’s childhood friend, was showing Hannah around Sunnydale.

He just had this feeling that he needed to be there for his baby sister. A feeling that she needed his protection.

\-----------------------------------------------

Xander wasn’t stupid. He had been carrying a stake in his pocket since arriving in Sunnydale. You could take the boy out of Sunnydale and stick his soul in a woman’s body, but you couldn’t take Sunnydale out of the boy…girl…whatever.

“Well looky here.” The leader of the vampires said and licked his thick lips “Someone order take-out?” the idiot grinned and Xander rolled his eyes.

God how he would love to tell the jerk how fucking stupid he sounded. But showing the bad guy a piece of paper with the word Fuckwad scribbled on it really wasn’t as cool as saying it. Xander sighed and made an obscene gesture instead.

The short chubby vamp snorted “Man, she’s a feisty one.”

“Come on, pretty pretty.” the leader coaxed. Xander just shook his head and pulled the stake out.

“Oh, man…is it that Biffy chick?” the blond female vampire standing next to the leader asked and took a few steps back.

“Buffy.” the leader said.

“Huh?” the female asked.

“Slayer’s name is Buffy, not Biffy.” the leader pointed out.

“Oh…so is it her?” the blond asked.

“Naw…just some chick.” the leader took a few steps in Xander’s direction.

\---------------------------------------------------

“You already knew!” Willow asked Giles “You already knew and you still let us…let us mourn?!”

“I only found out a few hours ago. And Xander didn’t want anyone to be told.” Giles attempted to explain “Angel thought it would be best…”

 

“Angel knew as well?” Willow looked betrayed and stepped away from the table. She fumbled around for her cell phone and finally fished it out of her pocket. She started dialling Buffy’s number.

\--------------------------------------------------

Buffy’s phone started playing Another One Bites The Dust. Spike looked over at her and smirked.

“Yeah?” Buffy huffed into the phone as she continued to run toward Xander’s house. “What? You’re not making much sense, Willow!”

The slayer stopped running so abruptly that Spike ran into her. “What?!!” Buffy turned and looked at Angel “He knew WHAT?!!”

\-----------------------------------------------

Joshua looked at the map one more time.

He was pretty sure he knew how to find the house Hannah was staying at. He noticed that Xander’s old house was on the way there.

He could just as well take a look at the house Xander had once referred to as The Armpit of Hell.

\------------------------------------------------

“She who?” Spike asked the ranting slayer.

“She’s Xander.” Buffy repeated.

“Xander’s what?” Spike asked.

“No! For God sake did the bleach seep into your brain.” Buffy actually growled “She…Hannah is Xander. Xander is Hannah.” She turned back to Angel and poked him in the chest with her index finger.

“Buffy…I…” Angel began.

“Oh no Mister I’m Keeping Important Secrets. Don’t you even start!” Buffy pushed past the vampire. “We need to find Xander and we need to find him now.”

“Wait a bleeding minute!” Spike yelled as he followed Buffy and Angel. “The sexy bint is Harris?!”

\---------------------------------------

Being smaller meant that he could move faster.

Xander kicked the blond vampire in the stomach, causing her to whine and growl. The Leader grabbed onto Xander’s arm and pulled her back, so she was standing with her back against his chest.

“Not so stake-happy now, are you? Bitch!” he snarled in Xander’s ear. Xander tried to push away from the vampire but only succeeded in dropping his stake.

“Ups.” the chubby vamp giggled and picked the stake up. “Uuuuh look at me I’m Biffy.” he wailed and held the stake up in front of him.

“Buffy, dude.” the leader laughed and started licking Xander’s neck.

“I stake vamps.” the chubby vampire kept talking in a high-pitched girly voice. Xander suddenly pushed against the leader. Using the vampire as leverage Xander swung his legs up and slammed his boots against the stake, sending it into the vampire‘s chest. The chubby vampire looked shocked for a brief moment and then turned into dust.

“Fuck…Arnold?!” the blond female vampire shrieked and knelt next to the pile of dust on the sidewalk.

\----------------------------------------

Spike, Angel and Buffy arrived just in time to see Xander dust the fat fledge.

“Well…” Spike drawled “Even if it’s really the boy, that’s still bloody hot.”

“Fuck off, go find your own bitch to drain.” the leader, of the now diminished gang of fledges, snarled. Before the dim-witted vamp had any idea what was going on, he was being smacked around by two Master vampires and a slayer. The female fledge tried to escape in the chaos but Buffy nailed her with a stake in the back.

When the dust settled they all turned and looked at Hannah. She was trying to straighten her clothes and finished off by running a hand through her long brown hair. She looked up and noticed them staring.

She made a gesture that clearly was meant to ask What?

“Xander?” Buffy asked. Hannah stumbled back a step and looked frantically from Angel to Buffy.

The dark-haired girl shook her head and anxiously started looking for her notepad and pen. “Hey…Hey, Xander it’s okay.” Buffy walked over to Hannah. When she finally stopped right in front of the girl the slayer smiled and pulled the stunned Hannah into an embrace.

“What the hell is going on here?!” someone asked and they all turned around to see a young man, only a few years older than Buffy, step out of a car and point at Hannah.

“Who the hell are you then?” Spike asked.

“Me…I’m Hannah’s brother! Who the hell are you?” the young man asked.


	16. Chapter 16

“Me…I’m Hannah’s brother! Who the hell are you?” the young man asked. 

“’M Spike,” Spike said as if that explained everything. 

“You’re spiked? What the hell does that mean?” Joshua looked confused, then he turned pale “And what the hell happened to those other guys?” he pointed where three piles of dust littered the street. 

“Oh!” Buffy said “Yes, you see…we…um…We’re making a movie about…” 

“Spontaneous human combustion,” Angel finished. 

Xander sighed and shook his head. Spontaneous human combustion? Come on! 

“Right,” Joshua said and walked over to his little sister, not once turning his back on the crazy people. He ended up walking awkwardly sideways and when he finally reached Hannah he mumbled through clenched teeth “Gho Ghet’n the car.” 

Hannah shook her head. 

“Don’t argue with me, Hannah.” Joshua whispered “These runaways from Children of the Corn are obviously crazy and maybe if we don’t run they’ll let us out of here,” Joshua put a hand on Hannah’s shoulder and tried to make her move over to the car. “I don’t know what’s going on in this freaking town but we’re leaving before they decide to turn us into…” he waved a hand at the dust piles. 

“Oi, wanker!” Spike growled and Joshua whirled around “Pet doesn’t want ta go,” the blond vampire pointed at Hannah. 

“Pet?” Joshua looked from Spike to Hannah and back to Spike. “What the hell did you get yourself involved in?” Joshua asked Hannah. 

Hannah moved away from her brother and walked over to Angel. She looked up at the vampire and made a claw with her right hand letting it hover next to her face and then she scrunched her face up and snarled. “Don’t think that’s a good idea,” Angel said looking back at Joshua. The young man was still standing where Hannah had left him. Hannah flexed the fingers on her right clawed hand and Angel smirked. 

“Hey, Joshua?!” Angel called making the human turn completely around so he was facing Angel. 

Angel vamped out. 

Joshua made a very unmanly shrieking noise and then proceeded to faint. 

\----------------------------------------------------- 

Xander stopped outside Buffy’s house. Angel walked up behind him. Spike shouldered his way past them carrying Joshua over one shoulder. 

“Bloody fat bastard,” Spike grumbled as he rearrange the muscular construction worker so he didn’t slide off the vampire’s shoulder. 

“Everything okay?” Buffy asked when she came over to Xander and Angel. Xander found the Hello Kitty notepad and pen and wrote 

Willow knows? 

“Yeah, she does,” Buffy said “She’ll be really happy to see…you.” 

Not me. 

“Yeah…okay so you’re a little shorter than before and you have other…um…accessories.” Xander glared at Buffy. 

“Willow will be very happy to see you, Xander.” Angel said quietly “Whatever shape or form.” 

“You wankers done with the pep rally. Still holding the bleeding fatty here.” Spike complained from the door. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------- 

Willow looked up when the front door was opened and Spike came in with a man draped over his shoulder. The dark-haired stranger was unceremoniously dumped on the living room couch. She walked over to the couch and looked down at the man. There was something about him that reminded her of… 

“All I’m saying is that you really didn’t need to scare the poor guy half to death,” Buffy said as she entered the living room. 

“Xander asked me to,” Angel defended himself as he followed the slayer. 

Xander was still standing in the hallway. No matter what happened now it would change everything. Everybody knew. Everybody except the one person who deserved to know the truth more than anyone else. Xander wasn’t sure he wanted to tell Joshua. Wasn’t sure he was ready to look his best friend in the eyes and destroy the man’s flimsy hold on happiness. At the same time he didn’t want to have to lie for the rest of his…of Hannah’s life. 

“Xander?” Xander looked up and saw Dawn standing there with Willow. 

The two girls looked uncertain “Would it…” Willow began but then stopped. 

“Can I hug you?” Dawn asked and held her arms out. Xander swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded. Suddenly he was cocooned between Dawn and Willow. Willow was crying and mumbling. 

“I missed you so much Xander,” the witch hiccupped and Xander hugged her closer. 

\-------------------------------------------------- 

“Two protection spells?” Buffy asked and looked from Giles to Willow. 

“Yes,” Giles said “I cast a spell that would bring him…well…you could say it was to protect him physically. Not so he couldn’t be hurt…it was more of a blessing, really.” 

“Okay…yeah I can see Xander needing that,” Buffy nodded “What with moving to a new town and being alone. But what I don’t get is why Xander is sitting in my living room right now looking very much female?” 

“The spell that I cast…” Willow began but had to blow her nose and dry her eyes “Sorry,” she mumbled “I cast a spell that would secure his soul…if he was going to end up getting turned.” 

“So what went wrong?” Spike asked. 

“Xander died a few seconds before Hannah. His soul was still attempting to stay connected with his body when Hannah died of her injuries…long enough for her soul to leave her body for good,” Giles looked at Spike “In that moment Xander’s soul took…well…residence in Hannah’s body.” 

“So he’s stuck?” Buffy said and rubbed her tired eyes. 

“As far as we can tell…for his soul to return to his body there would have to actually be a…” Giles flinched “But Xander was cremated, so…” 

“Couldn’t we relocate Xander’s soul in a male body?” Willow asked and looked hopeful. 

“We would have to find someone who was about to die…and we would have to kill the current body in order to succeed…Even if we could find a body we would still have to…” Giles looked uncomfortable. 

“Kill Hannah,” Willow finished. 

\--------------------------------------- 

Xander had made sure the unconscious Joshua was comfortable before he went outside and sat on the porch. He looked up at the moon. It wasn’t completely full yet so it looked slightly squashed on one side. 

“Hey,” Angel said and sat down on the stairs next to Xander. 

Xander pretended the vampire wasn’t there which was really hard. Angel was sitting so close their thighs were touching. 

“Look I’m really sorry,” Angel began “I just wanted to help. I’m still absolutely sure that telling Giles was the right thing to do at the time.” Xander just glared daggers at him “I think you should tell Joshua. He deserves to know the truth.” 

Xander huffed and looked pointedly away. 

“It must really kill you that you can’t rant and tell me to fuck off,” Angel suddenly said. 

Xander took out his notepad and pen and furiously wrote for almost an entire minute. He angrily ripped the piece of paper off the pad and handed it to the vampire. 

Angel looked at it and said “I don’t really think that’s physically possible. Not even for a vamp and we’re very flexible,” he turned and looked at Xander. The human was still glaring at him “Also… rectum isn’t spelled like that,” Angel pointed out. 

Xander just stared at him. 

Angel stared back. 

Xander’s lips twitched slightly. Angel tilted his head and Xander finally gave up. He made a small snorting sound and started laughing. Xander leant slightly against Angel’s larger bulk as he tried to regain the ability to breathe. 

Angel looked up at the moon and enjoyed the warmth from Xander’s body as it seeped through his clothes and into his skin.


	17. Chapter 17

The pen hovered over the notepad. The page still white.

How did you tell a man that his sister, his last living relative, was dead? That the woman he had protected and cared for was an impostor. How did you tell your best friend that you had lied to him? Deceived him.

“You’ve been awfully quiet,” Spike said as he sat down next to Xander on the steps leading up to Buffy’s house. Xander turned and glared at him. Spike just grinned and stretched.

“What?” the vampire said.

Xander wrote one word and showed it to Spike.

“That’s not very ladylike, is it?” Spike said.

Xander flipped him off.

Spike snorted and shook his head. Xander wrote some more and Spike looked over Xander’s shoulder reading along as the words appeared.

“Don’t know how ya should go about it,” the vampire said “It’ll be difficult no matter what ya do….yeah…I understand but do ya really think ya could live the rest of your life as Hannah…not what I meant,” Spike shook his head when Xander furiously wrote more “Know ya can’t get back to the way ya were but no one says ya have ta lie, yeah.”

Xander sighed and closed his eyes.

\---------------------------------------------

“Hey,” Buffy said when she noticed Xander sitting at the kitchen table. Xander looked up and smiled.

Buffy kept getting surprised. She’d be walking next to Xander and then turn to tell him something and she would stop and wonder who the hell the girl walking next to her was. The dark-haired girl with the beautiful brown eyes and shy smile.

“You look tired,” Buffy said and sat down at the table. Xander shrugged. “You wanna…um…talk about it?” Xander smiled and Buffy couldn’t help giggling.

That was something else that kept surprising her. The quiet. Like Xander was there but not really because the Xander she remembered had always talked. All the time. Babbling about this and that and nothing in particular.

But now…now it was the sound of a pen scratching on paper or the sight of Xander shrugging, smiling, shaking or nodding his head. She missed the sound of his voice. Warm, reassuring and caring.

She looked up when Xander slid the notepad over the table and turned it so she could read the message.

“You’re telling him tonight?” Xander nodded and ran a slim hand through his shoulder long hair.

“You think he’s ready?” Buffy asked and looked into those almond shaped eyes. Another nod but this time more hesitant, maybe even frightened. Buffy reached out and took Xander’s hand. “It’ll be okay, Xander,” the slayer promised.

\----------------------------------------------

Xander rested his head against the door to the guestroom. Joshua was in there. Actually he hadn’t been out of the room for the last three days. Xander had brought him food. Breakfast, lunch, dinner. Had sat next to his quiet friend as he kept eying the door as if he expected monsters to burst through it. As if he expected Angel to kick the door in, game faced and all.

Xander didn’t bring dinner this time. He only brought his notepad and pen. Hannah’s notepad and pen.

“You want me to go with you?” Angel asked and gently touched Xander’s shoulder.

Xander shook his head.

“I’ll wait for you downstairs. Okay?” Angel’s hand slid down Xander’s arm.

\----------------------------------------------------

Joshua looked up when someone knocked on the door. The door was locked. Not that he thought that would actually keep out the…things…but it still made him feel better. Just like it made him feel better to pull the bed around so he could sleep with his back against the wall and facing the door.

“Yeah…Who is it?” Joshua called. No one answered, only the same quiet knocking. He stood up and shuffled to the door. He unlocked it and opened it a few inches. Hannah waved at him and he opened the door. She pushed past him and into the room. Joshua closed and relocked the door behind her.

“So…” he said and looked around the room. Hannah stood there, the notepad clenched in her hand. Suddenly she took a step in his direction. Stopped. Looked around the room and finally sat down on the bed.

She opened the notepad and put it next to her on the green bedspread. Joshua picked it up and started to read.

“Are you doing drugs, Hannah?” he asked and looked from the notepad to his little sister. A small shake of her head made him sit down next to her. “Look, if you need some type of counselling…I…I’ll pay for it cause this…Hannah…this is…If someone found out that you think that you’re…they’d…”

Hannah kept shaking her head in denial. She reached out and squeezed Joshua’s hand. She looked at the notepad with pleading eyes. Joshua read the rest of the message.

“Hannah…I know you feel guilty about…about Xander dying. I feel guilty too…but…this,” Joshua stood up and dropped the notepad on the bed and paced back and forth. Hannah picked it up again and wrote something. She held it up for him.

“Tommy Petersen…What about Tommy?” Joshua didn’t understand why Hannah suddenly wanted to talk about his old childhood friend. Tommy with the red hair and the freckles. Tommy who always pulled pranks and had been the only kid on the road with a tree house.

Hannah wrote some more and showed it to Joshua.

“How?…Xander must have told you…You…I never told you…I only told Xander…I never…”

More words…blue ink words.

Strange how something so simple could make his blood turn to ice and his breath hitch.

Hannah stood up and walked to the door. Joshua heard the lock turn and the door open. Heard Hannah close it behind her as she left the room.

Joshua’s eyes were glued to the blue ink words on the white piece of paper.

Tommy Petersen   
You practiced kissing with him.  
Told me, Xander, that was the only time you'd ever been intimate with a guy.  
Told me you liked it but never did anything about it.  
We were drunk.   
So drunk we actually ended up kissing on the couch.  
Never did anything like that again.  
Never told you that you’re a real good kisser.


	18. Chapter 18

Joshua was packing his bag. His rigid back turned to Xander.

“I don’t know what you want from me Ha…Xander,” Joshua said without turning around “I don’t know what I’m suppose to do,” a pair of jeans were thrown down on the bed and Joshua sighed deeply and seemed to be shivering. “It’s not like…Everything in this fucking town is just rotten to the God damn core!” a t-shirt was bundled up and thrown at the door.

Xander took a few steps in Joshua’s direction but stopped when the man turned around and looked straight at him. “Wasn’t it enough that I had to lose my best friend? Wasn’t it enough that I felt guilty because I felt fucking relieved that it wasn’t my baby sister who had her throat slit?”

Xander started scribbling on the notepad.

“Don’t, Xander!” Joshua said and sat down on the bed. “Just don’t, please.” He ran a shaking hand through his hair. “I can’t even look at you. It just hurts too much,” Joshua clenched a pair of sweatpants in his hands. “When my parents brought Hannah home from the hospital she was so small. This…”

Joshua wiped the back of his hand over his eyes “This little screaming thing that seemed to need so much attention and love. And she needed me too. Her first word…was my name. She called me Osua.” Joshua’s breath hitched “I always protected her. Always. From bullies and stupid boyfriends. From idiots who made fun of her disability. I would have done anything for her.”

Xander hugged the notepad against his chest.

“When our parents died I focused all my energy and all my love on her,” Joshua looked up at Xander “Do you have any idea what it feels like to look at you…to look at you and see Hannah? To look at you and know that she's gone? Dead.” Xander shook his head, long dark brown locks moving with the motion.

“It just makes me feel…useless,” Joshua started packing his bag again “If what you told me is true then there’s no way to get my Hannah back. I really want her back, Xander. And I’m sorry…I’m sorry that you’re trapped like this but I just can’t deal with it.”

\---------------------------------------------------

“Shhhh,” Angel tried soothing the sobbing girl in his arms. Xander’s slim hands were buried in the vampire’s black t-shirt and Angel held him close murmuring softly. The vampire closed his eyes and let the scent of Xander surround him. Warmth and cinnamon, salt and tears.

The door to the guestroom opened and Joshua stepped out. Angel looked up and noticed Joshua’s old black bag packed and standing by the door.

“You can’t just leave her like this,” Angel said and Xander seemed to stop breathing.

“I’m…not leaving her,” Joshua said and picked up the bag “I’m just…I can’t deal with this right now. ”I’ll be staying at the motel just outside town. I’m sorry Xander,” Joshua sighed and reached out but never touched the slim shoulder. “I just can’t deal with this…with you.”

\---------------------------------------------

It felt like he was moving through cotton wool. The world was soundless and grey. His feet felt like they were weighed down by lead weights and he expected to hear the thump thump of them hitting each step as he walked down the stairs.

“Hey, Xander.” Willow gave him a hug. It was strange how they were almost the same height. He felt a warm hand against his back and turned around only to be hugged by Buffy.

“You can stay here, Xander.” Buffy whispered against his ear “We want you to stay, please.”

Xander stepped back and shook his head. He couldn’t look them in the eyes and walked back upstairs.

“Think he’ll be okay?” Willow asked after they heard the door close to the guestroom.

\------------------------------------------------

He looked at her. Looked at Hannah. He tried to see what Joshua had seen when he finally realised that Hannah was gone and this, this shell, was all that was left of her. The light above the bathroom mirror made the fine skin seem pale and waxy. A thin sheen of sadness and fear covering her features.

Xander looked into those brown eyes and wondered why people said they were the windows to the soul. Because no matter how hard he looked, no matter how long he stared, he just couldn’t find himself in those almond shaped eyes.

He reached out and put his hand over the eyes that were staring back at him from the mirror. Leaving only the soft full lips and the forehead visible. The hand was clenched into a fist.

\-----------------------------------------------

The sound of glass breaking made Buffy and Willow run up the stairs. They could hear quiet sobbing coming from the guestroom and Willow slowly reached out and pushed the door open. Inside, sitting on the floor, Angel was holding Xander close.

“He’s okay,” Angel said despite the fact that they could all see that Xander wasn’t. Blood dripped from his hand and down on to the carpet.

“What happened?” Buffy said as she walked over to the bathroom and picked up the towel from the floor. She looked down at the sharp pieces of broken mirror that littered the sink and tiled floor. Buffy walked back, knelt next to Xander and Angel and gently wrapped the towel around the bleeding hand.

“Is he gonna be okay?” Willow asked nervously as she petted Xander’s slim shoulder.

“I don’t know,” Angel answered honestly.

\------------------------------------------------

Joshua sat on his bed in the small motel room and cried.

He remembered walking to the park, proudly holding his little sister’s hand. His mother had told him to be careful, had told him that he was a big boy and that he was responsible for Hannah. Joshua remembered how he had panicked when he suddenly realised, that he had been so busy playing with Robert from across the street, that he hadn’t noticed the little adventure seeking girl wander off.

God, how his heart had pounded that day. He had imagined every bad thing in the world happening to her. By the time he finally found her, sitting on a swing singing You are my sunshine, he had imagined her abducted by everything from bad men to aliens, had imagined her run over by cars or drowning in the small fountain by the playground.

He remembered how she had cried when he had slapped her. Slapped her because he had been so terrified. Slapped her cause he actually needed to hear her wail and threaten with telling their mother.

He stood up, grabbed the still packed bag from the bed and stormed out of his motel room.


	19. Chapter 19

Xander woke up in the guestroom. He stretched but froze when someone mumbled and nuzzled his neck. Xander didn’t move for a few seconds. All he remembered was crying and…crying. Joshua had left, gone off to stay at a motel because he couldn’t stand the sight of Xander. Angel held Xander after he'd cut his hand. After he broke down.

Angel was spooning him. Angel was the spooner and Xander was the spoonee. Xander slowly tried to disentangle himself from Angel’s arms but the vampire just growled in his sleep and hugged Xander closer.

Well…damn.

\------------------------------------------

Someone knocked on the door. Angel opened his eyes and slowly sat up. He looked down at Xander. Shoulder-long dark hair was covering the pillow. The bandaged hand was curled around the edge of the covers. Xander’s lips were slightly parted and his shirt had been pushed up. A thin stripe of golden skin bared.

“What?” Angel asked as quietly as he could.

“Phone for Harris,” Spike said from the other side of the door. Angel looked down at Xander again.

“Who is it?” There really wasn’t any reason to disturb Xander right now. Angel reached out and gently pulled the t-shirt down so it covered the soft skin.

“That Joshua git,” Spike answered.

“I’ll talk to him,” Angel said.

\-------------------------------------------

“Xander’s sleeping,” was Angel’s first words when he picked up the phone.

“Oh…um,” Joshua sounded tired and worn out.

“What do you want?” Angel asked and made sure his anger didn’t show in his voice.

“I…I’m back in Oxnard,” he stammered.

“You what!” Angel almost yelled into the phone. Buffy looked up from her breakfast and tilted her head.

“Look I-I can’t deal with this. He's not…Xander isn’t,” a deep sigh “All this time I thought I was lucky. Lucky that it had been Xander that…d-died. He sacrificed everything so I could have Hannah with me. But now…I…So many months thinking that Hannah was there with me and then it’s just…a lie. Hannah. My Hannah. The Hannah who loved to tease me and who would laugh until she cried and…the little girl who’s hand I held when we were told our parents were gone. She's dead. She gone and she’s never coming back. In stead I have Xander…a friend. A constant reminder of what I can’t ever have back.” Joshua was crying.

“So you’re just leaving her…Xander…here?” Angel asked and ran a hand through his hair. Willow was hovering by the kitchen counter.

“I just need some time to get…I just need time,” Joshua whispered “Can…can Ha…Xander stay there with you guys. Just until…”

“I’ll take care of him,” Angel promised.

“Thanks,” Joshua sounded crushed “I’ll send her a letter. Tell Xander that I’ll send h-him a letter. Okay?”

“Yeah,” Angel said and listened to Joshua hanging up.

\--------------------------------------------------

Xander woke up alone. His bandaged hand throbbed a little and he slowly sat up in bed and started peeling the bandage off. The wound wasn’t so bad. The blood had dried and all that was left was a stinging sensation.

He walked over to the bathroom and brushed his teeth. The mirror was gone as well as all the small broken pieces of it. Buffy or maybe Willow had taken care of it.

Xander straightened his t-shirt and thought about taking a shower.

\--------------------------------------------------

Angel walked back up the stairs and opened the door to the guestroom, only to be met with the sight of a very naked wet young woman. Angel just stood there, mouth open and eyes locked on Xander’s butt. Xander was bending over to pick up his towel. The towel that had, apparently, fallen down revealing…

Xander turned around, the towel only lifted high enough to cover his thighs. Angel and Xander just stood there, eyes locked on each other. Xander opened his mouth, closed it and suddenly yanked the towel up covering the breasts, only to discover that the towel didn’t hide anything below his navel.

Angel stammered something that didn’t really sound like English.

“Bloody hell!” Spike’s voice sounded strangely high-pitched and Angel slammed the door shut.


	20. Chapter 20

Xander slowly stretched and then snuggled back under the covers. He loved waking up slowly, letting his body adjust itself to a new day. He could hear Buffy and Dawn arguing down in the kitchen. Someone was taking a shower in the bathroom down the hall and the whole house was waking up.

Xander sat up so abruptly that the pillow slid down on the floor. Last night…

He stumbled out of bed and frantically started gathering his clothes. T-shirt, jeans, underwear…last night...arrgghhh...last night Angel had seen him naked. And not just Angel! No, cause fate was trying to kill him again.

Not just Angel...but Spike as well.

Xander slumped down on the bed and closed his eyes. He had been standing there butt naked. As in no clothes on what so ever and Angel had just opened the door and stared.

“Xander?” Willow called from the hallway. “Are you coming down for breakfast?”

What did she expect him to do? Tap the door in Morse code? And how did you tap: Angel and Spike saw me naked and I’m going to go drown myself in the toilet?

There was a knock on the door. Xander sighed and pulled the t-shirt on. He walked over to the door and opened it just enough to peek his head out. Oh for fuck’s sake!

“Um…Good morning?” Angel mumbled making sure not to look Xander in the eyes.

Xander could feel the blush start somewhere under the t-shirt and then travel up his neck and set down camp on his cheeks.

“I…ah…Joshua called yesterday and I wanted to…um…” Angel stuttered. Suddenly Spike pushed Angel out of the way and stood in front of the door. He let slim pale hands slide down his own chest and leered at Xander.

“Well, good morning,” the blond vampire smirked.

Xander made a very rude gesture and Angel snorted.

“No bloody manners,” Spike muttered and stomped down the hallway. Xander and Angel both watched him disappear down the stairs.

“Uh…Joshua…he…um,” Angel tried again.

Xander sighed and opened the door. What the hell, he was wearing more clothes now than the last time the brooding vampire had seen him. Angel stood very still and didn’t move an inch.

“Um…Maybe I should wait until you’ve,” Angel’s voice was strained as he gestured to the t-shirt and the short sleep pants Xander was wearing.

Xander just rolled his eyes, picked up the rest of his clothes and disappeared into the bathroom leaving a flummoxed Angel standing by the bed.

\---------------------------------------------------

Angel was sitting on the very edge of Xander’s bed. His hands were clenched in the covers and his eyes were closed. How the hell did Xander expect him to just sit there and wait while Xander was in the adjoining room taking a shower?

Naked. Xander was in the bathroom naked. Right. Now. And Angel was sitting there on the bed surrounded by Xander’s scent.

Angel groaned and tried to focus on other things. Dealing with Cordy, Xander naked, how hard it was to get those pesky Askl’ian’ti blood stains out of wool, Xander naked, Skilosh demons, the way Xander’s butt seemed to be perfectly shaped to fit into Angel’s hands, Pylea, Xander wet and naked in the shower...

Angel shook his head, attempting to make the thoughts go away.

The door to the bathroom opened and Xander stepped into the bedroom. Dark wet hair clinging to his face and shoulders, dripping down on the white t-shirt making the cotton stick to the curve of his shoulder and the fabric slightly see-through. Angel started pacing back and forth, eyes glued to the carpet.

Xander sat down on the bed and waited.

\------------------------------------------------

“I’m sorry, Xander.” Angel said and looked down at Xander’s stricken face “He just said he couldn’t deal and that he wanted...He wondered if you could stay here at least until he was ready to deal.”

Xander didn’t move or look up at Angel. Joshua couldn’t deal? Joshua couldn’t deal?! He wasn’t the one who woke up in the wrong body or felt like a thief stealing Hannah’s life. Josh couldn’t deal!

Xander stood up and angrily started to rip his clothes out of the closet. He grabbed his bags and started cramming everything in them. His eyes were burning with unshed tears and he sniffled as he emptied the closet. A t-shirt fell to the floor and Angel and Xander both knelt down and tried to pick it up. They fumbled for a few seconds until Xander just let go of the shirt and started crying.

Angel shushed him and pulled him close. “Buffy’ll be happy to have you stay here, Xander.” Angel whispered into Xander’s damp hair.

Xander shook his head and tried to stand up. Angel tightened his hold on him and looked Xander in the eyes.

“Where will you go, Xander?” Angel asked.

Xander just looked away and shrugged.

Angel reached out and took the notepad and pen from the bedside table. He placed them on the floor in front of Xander. Xander picked them up and opened the notepad, found a blank page and started writing. When he finished he handed the notepad to Angel.

“You want to start over someplace new?” Angel asked.

Xander looked up at him, wiped his eyes with the back of his slender hand and tried to take the notepad back. Angel wouldn’t let go of it.

“You can come back to LA with me,” Angel suggested and studied Xander’s face. Xander tugged on the notepad and Angel finally let go of it. Xander wrote two words and turned the notepad so Angel could read it.

“Enough room?” Angel read out loud and smiled “Oh, yes. I’m pretty sure we can find room for you,” Angel nodded. Xander wrote some more on the pad and showed it to Angel.

LA here I come!


	21. Chapter 21

Angel reached out and turned the car radio off.

He looked over at Xander. He was sleeping in the passenger seat, his hair pulled back in a ponytail. The wind had made a few dark strands of silken soft hair fall loose and it moved in the breeze as they drove down the highway. Angel turned his attention back to the road but kept listening to Xander’s breathing.

Buffy and Willow had been sad to see Xander leave but Angel knew they both understood. Xander had tried to explain it and the two women had hugged him and told him to be careful.

Xander didn’t know that the slayer and the witch had spoken to Angel in private. They had told him to take care of Xander and Willow had spoken at great length about shovels and the many ways a shovel could be used to maim and kill a vampire.

Buffy had nodded and ended the conversation with “And also,” she had patted her jeans pocket “I have Mr. Pointy.”

Xander shivered and Angel reached back and pulled his jacket over the seats and, while steering the car with the other hand, he tucked the leather jacket around Xander. Xander turned his head in his sleep, pushing his soft cheek against Angel’s hand and for a second Angel didn’t move but simply revelled in Xander’s warmth.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Cordy kept looking over at the front doors. The anticipation was killing her.

“Tell me again,” she demanded and turned to look at Gunn.

“Again?!” the street fighter sighed. Cordy just nodded. “Okay,” Gunn walked over to Cordy’s desk and leant against it. “Xander’s a woman,” Gunn tilted his head waiting for the reaction.

“Nope,” Cordy shook her head “Still not believing it.”

“Xander’s a woman. He’s shorter than you, has dark brown hair and brown eyes,” Cordy made a go-on gesture and Gunn continued “He’s actually kinda hot.”

“Xander was always hot,” Cordy said “I dated him,” she continued as if that explained everything.

“His soul really took over his friend’s little sister’s body?” Fred asked, her eyes huge. She was sitting behind the desk next to Cordy.

“Look,” Gunn said and crossed his arms “I know I’ve told this story at least a dozen times. I clearly remember doing that.”

“I know, I know!” Cordy said waving her hand dismissively.

The front doors opened and Angel stepped into the lobby. Someone was standing behind him. Only a slim hand, clutching the leather jacket Angel was wearing, was visible.

“Angel,” Cordy exclaimed and got out of her chair and moved around the desk. She nervously licked her lips. “You’re back,” she said lamely.

Angel gently patted the slim hand when it tightened so hard on the leather that it creaked. Cordy’s eyes were fixed on that hand. Fred coughed, bringing attention to herself.

“Oh…Sorry,” she said and blushed. A head peered out from behind Angel and Cordy squealed.

“Oh my God! Xander!” Cordy took a few steps forward and then stopped. 

Angel looked over his shoulder, smiled encouragingly and took three steps to the right leaving Xander without cover.

Xander shot him a dirty look and then tentatively looked over at Cordy.

“Wow! Gunn was right. You are hot!” Cordy laughed.

\--------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re wearing that?” Cordy asked “We‘re celebrating your first month here, not trying to infiltrate the homeless,” Cordy disbelievingly pointed at Xander’s jeans and t-shirt.

Xander frowned.

“What’s wrong?” Fred said and looked into Xander’s room.

“He’s wearing that!” Cordy said and once again pointed at Xander’s clothes.

“Um…” Fred looked confused.

“Oh please,” Cordy said “Please, Fred! Tell me you’re not wearing that to the club?” Cordy asked when she noticed that Fred was wearing the same attire as Xander. Fred self-consciously tried to make the t-shirt look nicer by running her hand over the green fabric.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

“Aren’t they ready yet?” Wesley asked and looked over at the stairs. He fiddled nervously with the buttons on his shirt.

“Cordy apparently wouldn’t be seen dead with them if they were wearing what they wanted,” Gunn snorted and put a stake in his back pocket.

“They need to get down here soon if we’re going to meet up with Lorne,” Angel looked down at his wristwatch.

A small scuffle at the top of the stairs made the three men turn their attention to the two young women being guided down the stairs by Cordy. Xander kept looking over his shoulder at Cordy. He was clearly not amused.

“Oh don’t give me that look!” Cordy scolded and kept pushing them down the stairs.

“I look dumb in this,” Fred said and pulled at her slinky dark green dress. It hugged her body and accentuated her hips. Xander moved past Fred and stomped down the remaining steps and stopped at the bottom of the stairs.

“Stop sulking,” Cordy said and straightened her own beautiful red strapless dress.

Xander huffed and moved over to stand next to the desk. The dark blue dress made Xander’s skin almost glow and the square neck opening showed just enough cleavage to make paying attention to Xander’s face a problem.

“Um…” Angel attempted.

“Yeah,” Gunn nodded and looked from Fred to Xander and back to Fred.

“I think it’s….um…” Wesley started and held his wrist up and pointed at his watch “Time’s…”

“Men,” Cordy snorted and hooked her arm under Fred’s and walked out of the hotel. Wesley and Gunn hurried after them. Xander turned on his heels and started toward the stairs again.

“W-where’re you going?” Angel finally managed and followed Xander.

Xander sighed and walked over to the desk and rummaged around until he found a pen and a piece of paper. He wrote and Angel stood close enough to read.

“You don’t look like a dork,” Angel said and shook his head.

Xander rolled his eyes and wrote some more.

“I honestly don’t think she thought about that, Xander.” Angel said and put a hand on Xander’s shoulder. “She wouldn’t have thought about that. Go up and change. I’ll tell the others to wait, okay?”

Xander nodded and hurried up the stairs.

“What’s keeping you guys?” Cordy said as she opened the front doors and peeked in.

“Xander’s changing,” Angel said and sat down on the couch.

“But he looked great,” Cordy was about to go over to the stairs when Angel stopped her by saying

“He’s still Xander, you know?”

“I know,” Cordy said and turned to the stairs again.

“He didn’t have anywhere for his notepad and pen in that outfit, Cordy.” Angel pointed out “Not to mention that he felt awkward. High heels, Cordy?” Angel turned and looked at the ex-cheerleader.

“Oh,” Cordy looked embarrassed “I didn’t think…I fucked up,” she walked over and sat down next to Angel.

“It’s okay,” Angel sighed and got up when he heard someone walk down the stairs. Xander was fumbling with his notepad, a new and smaller one that fit in his pocket. He was back in a pair of blue jeans and a tight t-shirt.

\---------------------------------------------

If that jerk touched Xander’s arm one more time…Angel clenched his jaw and growled quietly. Xander was standing at the bar, a tall blond young man talking to him.

“Hell,” Gunn mumbled “Look at Mister Smooth.”

Angel’s eyes turned golden. The blond leant forward and whispered in Xander’s ear. Xander looked up at the guy and smiled and nodded.

Oh for God’s sake!

Angel stomped across the dance floor, weaving in and out to avoid the couples dancing.

Mister Smooth reached out and touched Xander’s hair, brushing his hand against the beautiful, exposed skin on Xander’s neck.

“That t-shirt really brings out the colour of your beautiful eyes,” the idiot said and smirked.

If the bastard got any more charming Bambi would be coming out of the forest and cute animated blue birds would fly through the room lighting on his hands. Couldn’t Xander see what a sleazebag the guy was?

Xander nodded to something the idiot was saying and smiled. Angel shouldered his way past the other people at the bar and ended up next to Xander.

”You want to dance, Xander?” Angel asked huskily and flashed his fangs at the other man.

Xander looked surprised but before he could respond he was guided to the dance floor. Angel shuffled his feet about and waved his hands to the music and looked very uncomfortable.

Suddenly the music changed and the upbeat song was followed by a smouldering love song. Angel seemed to stiffen and looked like a deer caught in the headlights of a really huge truck.

Xander smirked, took two steps closer to Angel and put his hands around the vampire’s waist, sighed dramatically and rested his head against Angel’s broad chest.

Angel spluttered for a few seconds before his hands slowly came up and pulled Xander closer.


	22. A period piece

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue to Different for girls

“Okay,” Angel said and leant back in his chair, “What’s going on?”

“Shhh,” Gunn looked over his shoulder and scanned the whole kitchen as if he expected demons to pop up behind the fridge, “She’s gonna hear you.”

“Who?” Angel frowned and felt strangely uncomfortable sitting exposed right in the middle of the room.

“I agree,” Wesley whispered, “It wouldn’t be wise to attract her attention,” the ex-watcher took a gulp of his scalding hot coffee and nervously licked his lips.

“Who?” Angel repeated.

“I’m so outta here,” Gunn pushed his chair back and stood up. He patted his pockets and then nodded at Wesley and Angel.

“Watch your back,” Wesley said quietly, reaching out to pat Gunn’s knee.

“Thanks,” Gunn smiled a little sickly and walked over to the door. He opened it a fraction, just enough to look out into the lobby, “Shit!”

“What?” Wesley hurriedly joined the street fighter by the door. They both peeked through the inch wide opening.

“She’s out there…in the lobby…with Cordy,” Gunn rested his forehead against the cool wood of the door.

“Oh dear,” Wesley stepped away from the door and backed up until he hid the corner of the table.

“We’re gonna have to stay here until she leaves,” Gunn silently closed the door and went back to sulk in his chair.

“Okay,” Angel held up his hands, “Someone is going to explain what the hell is going on.”

“Ah,” Wesley said and shifted uneasily from foot to foot, “It’s quite natural…really… I’ve looked into it and well…” Wesley swallowed, “Scientific research shows that… “

“Fuck,” Gunn rubbed his palm across his face and was about to say something when the door to the kitchen was slammed open and Cordy stomped through it.

“Where is it?!” she asked and looked around the room.

“I-I-I,” Wesley stammered and pointed a shaking finger at one of the kitchen cupboards. Cordy narrowed her eyes.

“I hope you didn’t mess up and bought any of those bars with bits of nuts in ’em?” her voice was slightly muffled as she poked around inside the cupboard.

“No. No. We got the right ones this time,” Gunn frantically nodded and grabbed on to the edge of the table, “Didn’t we, Wesley?”

“Yes,” Wesley said timidly, “No white chocolate and no nuts.”

“What the…” Angel began but Wesley and Gunn both stared at him as if he was crazy and Gunn made a chopping move with his hand across his own throat.

\---------------------------------------------

“Cordy?” Angel looked down at the magazine the seer was studying. A skinny model was showing of the most ghastly dress he’d ever seen.

“Yeah,” Cordy pushed the magazine away and looked up at him.

“What exactly is going on?” Angel asked.

“With what?” she pursed her lips.

“Wesley and Gunn are acting weird and I haven’t seen Xander more than once these past two days,” Angel fiddled with the corner of the magazine, “Is he okay?”

“She,” Cordy said, emphasizing the word.

“Right…right,” Angel said, “Is she?”

“No,” Cordy pulled the magazine closer and opened it.

“No? What do you mean?” Angel looked over at the stairs.

“I mean,” Cordy sighed dramatically and pushed the magazine away again, “Xander isn’t all right, cause she’s having his…her…first period.”

“First? But that doesn’t sound right,” Angel felt a sudden need to leave and pretend he’d never asked at all, “Hannah must have been having…um…periods for years before Xander ended up changing places with her.”

“Stress and medication…at least that’s what the doctor told us. Her body’s been conserving its energy or something like that,” Cordy stood up and eyed the vampire, “Xander’s freaked out about the whole thing.”

“Oh,” Angel nodded dumbly.

“And PMSing,” Cordy mumbled almost inaudibly.

\-----------------------------------------------------

Angel stopped outside the door to Xander’s room. He was just about to put his hand on the door handle when he heard a gasp behind him.

“You’re going in there?” Wesley asked and stared disbelievingly at Angel when the vampire turned to look at him.

“Yes,” Angel said.

“Is that wise?” Wesley eyed the door nervously.

“Why are you so jumpy?” Angel studied the ex-watcher.

“She threatened me,” Wesley moved closer to Angel and carried on in a hushed whisper, “She promised to hurt me.”

“Hurt you?” Angel sounded amused.

“Yes,” Wesley looked over Angel’s shoulder at the door, “I inadvertently ate some of his…her chocolate,” Wesley’s eyes widened, “I didn’t know it was hers. I swear I didn’t know.”

“You ate Xander’s chocolate?” Angel asked perplexed.

“Yes and she found out,” Wesley’s voice dropped so low Angel had to lean closer to hear the rest, “She told me she would rip my…testicles… off and feed them to a hellhound,” Wesley’s hands tugged at the hem of his shirt, attempting to cover his crotch.

“She wrote you a note?” Angel grinned.

“No,” Wesley shook his head, his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed again.

“How…” Angel began.

“Xander is a very very good mime,” Wesley said hoarsely.

Angel snorted and turned around, his hand hovering over the door handle.

“Y-you’re going in there?” Wesley asked disbelievingly.

“Yes,” Angel said, determined not to back down.

“Good luck,” Wesley said solemnly and patted his shoulder.

\-----------------------------------------

Xander’s room was warm and the lights were dimmed.

“Xander?” Angel asked and closed the door behind him. Xander didn’t respond and Angel cleared his throat, “Cordy said…” Angel didn’t really know how to continue.

Xander was curled up on the bed, brown hair peaking out from under the covers. Angel sat down on the edge of the bed.

“You…um… so you’re having your period?” Angel shifted uncomfortably on the cotton sheets.

Xander glanced over the edge of the covers and nodded.

“That’s…um…” Angel attempted.

Xander rolled his eyes.

“Wesley says you’re cranky,” Angel immediately knew he’d said the wrong thing when Xander suddenly sat up and started pointing his finger at the door and making various hand signs, “Okay!” Angel held up his hands, “When I said it might be a good idea for you to learn sign language I wasn’t really talking about the rude and obvious signs.”

Xander crossed his arms over his chest and then winced.

“What?” Angel moved a little closer on the bed, “Does it hurt somewhere?”

Xander nodded and slumped his shoulders.

“You want me to get you…Cordy sometimes uses a heating pad…I could go get you a…” he stopped talking when Xander lifted a heating pad out from under the covers, “Oh…right. You got that covered.”

Xander reached out for his notepad and pen on the bedside table. Angel watched Xander scribble for a few seconds and then took the pad when it was handed to him.

“Oh…Oh sure I could do that…um…a backrub. Sure,” Angel put the notepad and pen back on the bedside table.

Xander pulled the covers all the way off and turned around so he was resting on his stomach. Angel stared at where Xander’s t-shirt stretched over the boxer shorts Xander still preferred to sleep in.

“So I’ll just…rub,” Angel stood up and toed off his shoes and moved on to the bed. He very carefully straddled Xander’s butt and made sure not to rest any of his weight on the slim body underneath him.

Xander sighed when Angel gently rubbed his palms on the tense shoulders. Sighed again when Angel didn’t deepen the massage. Angel was startled when Xander suddenly turned around underneath him so he was facing Angel.

The vampire’s hand flew up in the air a split-second before it touched Xander’s left breast.

“Uh?” Angel tried to move off Xander but was stopped by a slender hand grabbing on to his hand. Xander pushed his own smaller hand hard against Angel’s and looked expectantly up at him.

“Harder?” Angel asked, “You want me to rub harder?” Xander nodded, “I can do that,” Angel’s voice sounded strangely high-pitched.

Xander turned around again and Angel used a few seconds to stare at the place where the t-shirt had ridden up and exposed a strip of cream colored soft skin. He cleared his throat and started rubbing his palm harder over Xander’s shoulders.

\---------------------------------------

Cordy quietly opened the door to Xander’s room and peeked in.

Angel was wrapped around Xander on the big bed, his arm around the slimmer body and his head half hidden by the long brown hair. The sheets and blankets were on the floor but since they were both dressed Cordy figured they probably weren’t cold.

Xander stirred restlessly and squirmed around a little. Angel mumbled in his sleep and tightened his arm around Xander, pulling him closer.

Cordy stepped back and as quietly as she could closed the door.


End file.
